This is not a post of the top ten moments in pop culture of the last seven months. Just a list I created in my head, while lying in bed thinking about ways I could spend my afternoon that avoided looking for a job, but didn’t make me feel like a slothy loser. Poking fun at Amanda Bynes it is! Enjoy.
1. Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s baby.
This I care very little about. I don’t much care for him (although the first 15 seconds of “Jesus Walks” still gets my blood pumping and inspires some embarrassing interpretations of hip-hop dancing when I am in private) and she is, well, you know, just like a thing we think about sometimes and an easy punch line for comedians who are talking about shapely bottoms/work ethic. I stand neither with the “She’s a millionaire for doing nothing! Shame!” haters or the “She’s the best example of the American Dream! Creating something out of nothing and creating an empire!” lovers. What Kim Kardashian provides for me is an excellent program to watch when I feel like napping off a hangover or painting my nails. But I will tell you this, if I announced that I was pregnant and the feedback I received was, “OH GOD THE END OF THE WORLD REALLY IS COMING!@$!!!$@!#!!%!!”, that would hurt my feelings. So I felt bad for her. Especially when Kate Middleton announced she was expecting around the same time and everyone’s reaction to that was, “You are a goddess and in an incarnation of God’s most perfect maternal creation. Tell me what you’re thinking for maternity wear. No don’t—I want to be surprised. You’re perfect.” Kim will have that baby and the jokes will return, and maybe she will deserve them because she will dress that baby in Louis Vuitton onesies and booties adorned with Swarovski crystals that everyone else understands to be a choking hazard, but for now, let’s just be happy for her.
2. The Beyonce documentary.
My friend Lara and I were determined to have a Beyonce documentary premiere party the night this first aired, back in February. I ended up having something mandatory that night and she found something better to do and the plan to watch it together never real came up again. So when I was asked to babysit on a Saturday night a few weeks back, I indulged in my HBO OnDemand options, and gave it a chance. First of all, the ratio of footage of random trees to footage aboard Jay-Z’s yacht was like 50:1. Terrible. Second, Beyonce has a lot of thoughts on her career and the various stressors that come with it, but the only way she knows how to express them is by taping herself on her laptop so you can only see very specific angles of her face. Lord knows she’s gorgeous and she can work any angle and if you filmed me that close right after I got out of the shower, my face would look more like something film artists use as a tool on which to build prosthetic noses, but after so many of these shots it just began to feel a little MySpace confessional.
My ears perked up when she mentioned to her computer diary that she needed to go make love to her husband, but then it cut to her in an elevator and I was bored again. The documentary was about an hour and a half long and as much as she wanted to believe that it provided all this deep insight into her life and psyche, I feel like I learned more about the super private Adele in her ten minute 60 Minutes interview. There was a sweet moment when she and Jay-Z serenaded each other in Belize or somewhere with Coldplay’s “Yellow” and she changed the lyrics to “Jay Jay I love you so” which was adorable. And then of course this happened and I forgave her for everything:
3. Miley Cyrus cut her hair short.
I still don’t understand why anyone has ever forgiven her for the way she talks, so this haircut did not strike me as anything I needed to be that concerned about. Here are two things I think: 1. If you can pull off short hair, then girl, do it. Every time I see a woman with short hair and she looks amazing I am jealous. I know if I cut my hair short I would look like Tina Fey in a 30 Rock flashback sequence. So good for you, Miley. Change up your look. You just made yourself ten times more interesting. But still, please do not open your mouth or share with me anything about your life. Miley Cyrus becoming ten times more interesting to me makes her about as interesting as a hair model in one of those books you thumb through while waiting at a salon. I’ve never wondered about their boyfriends. 2. I’m no psychologist (just ask my Acting degree), but we all know Miss Cyrus has a history of negative attention-seeking. As someone who sought a great deal of attention as a child (one time I wrote my sister a note telling her I was running away because she was so mean and held the note under the sink so water would drip on the ink and she would confuse it for tears), my parents handled this problem by simply ignoring me. Have we ever thought what would happen if when a celebrity does something “extreme” like cutting seven inches off their hair, we just said “Cool look, Miley.” and let that be the end of it, and then we would hear from her less?
4. Blake Lively married Ryan Reynolds.
No one cares about this.
5. Anne Hathaway
Yes, you are correct, I am among those who absolutely cannot stand Anne Hathaway. This isn’t blind, mob mentality loathing I am expressing. I feel like I have spent an adequate amount of time experiencing her personality these past three months, and what I have taken away is that she is one who shows no awareness or understanding for why we the public find her choices/personality so grating, and I find that infuriating. This problem is not celebrity-specific. We see it all the time. Moms who casually mention how surprised they are that their four year old has already mastered the clarinet, friends who post pictures of delivered bouquets on Facebook with the caption “I’m a lucky girl ;)” (For once I wish someone would caption that picture “Someone’s getting a hard bang tonight” just to keep it real), brides who talk about only eating egg whites for the next ninety days. This is Anne Hathaway. The woman you don’t even know how to be happy for because she is already so goddamned pleased with herself. At some point during the Anne Hathaway hate-a-thon that was this awards season, I saw more and more articles coming out trying to explain or nail down the root cause for all this loathing. I don’t know what was so confusing about it. This is what she said when she won the Golden Globe: “Thank you for this blunt object that I will forever more use as a weapon against self-doubt.” The problem here isn’t just the totally gag-me-with-a-spoon-faux-poetics, it’s that she is soliciting our sympathy when she is at the top of her career. You cannot have the odds and be the underdog, Anne. When Michael Phelps won eight gold medals he wasn’t like, “Oh gosh, I’m just a boy with ADHD and a dream.” No. He was like, “Bring on the shoe deal that doesn’t even make sense for my career, bitch.” And then he smoked pot and we forgave him because he is arrogant, and owns it, and makes America look good in front of China. When we finally arrived at the Oscars, Anne won and she came to the stage and my worst nightmare, well, you saw. It came true.
6. Sean The Bachelor chose Catherine to be his wife. Also, he’s a virgin?
At one point in this blog’s history, I provided a weekly recap of The Bachelor for our readers. This was super generous of me because I really do find that show incredibly painful to watch. Not in a feminist “Get a backbone, ladies!” way, but in a “Oh my good God, must it take 15 minutes to hand out three roses?” kind of way. It’s a super tedious show. So I decided to use my seven month long blog abandonment as an excuse to also not watch this season with Sean. I did catch a few snippets here and there while my roommate watched. I know there was a great deal of fuss over “Tiara” and her “eyebrow.” I also noticed ABC finally entertained the idea of having some women of color contend for the bachelor’s heart for longer than the first episode. That felt pretty progressive. And then I heard that Sean is a virgin. Let me clarify: a man who spent many years having sex but decided he wants to be a virgin again. So he just is? Sure. In the end he chose Catherine for his wife, who, in the little time I spent with her, seemed like someone you discover gets more and more annoying the more you get to know her. I do like hearing my own name on television, though. I don’t know why. It’s like finding your name on a mini license plate in a Florida gift shop. It’s just nice to be acknowledged.
Also, Sean is my brother’s name. So hearing the names Catherine and Sean paired together as a couple is not like, something I feel great about. Do you think they call each other Tawn Tawn and Caffer or is that just my mom?
7. Amanda Bynes lost. her. shit.
Ahh! Face pierce! What happened, Amanda? You look like a contender on The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll who gets kicked off after episode three for hair pulling. Get it together. You were so great in She’s The Man. Seriously I LOL’d like six times. You can do this.
8. Kristen Stewart cheated on Rob Something with that director who had a smokin hot wife.
I swear on my mother I am not trying to be funny or above the fray here. I am honestly sitting up in bed racking my brain to remember Rob’s last name but the only names coming to mind are “Reiner” and “Kardashian.” and “Stewart.” Can’t be Stewart. Thinking of Rod Stewart. Did they have one of those morph names Hollywood press use to save themselves a syllable? Was it Robstew? That’s not helping. Anyway, I’ll check the Internets in a moment to confirm. (Ed. Note: I started this post on Thursday afternoon. It is now Friday afternoon. Still can’t think of it.) What I found most fascinating was that this young actress who is normally so pouty and “get out of my life!” about her career in the spotlight, made such a fast and public apology. Were the pictures even that damning? I remember lots of hugging on balconies. Maybe a kiss? I’m around actors a lot and they love to touch each other. It’s there way of showing how liberal and loving they are as a community by greeting each other with a kiss right on the mouth while standing beside their respective spouses. Free love. I mean obviously Kristen and director left the balcony shortly after the weirdo photographer hiding in the bushes got his shot and proceeded to have lots of sex. I’m not a naive child. I’m just saying maybe let your PR people do a little spin for you and see what you can get away with. The best thing I got out of this event was an introduction to Liberty Ross (the previously mentioned smokin hot wife of the director) who is awesome and does edgy editorials with Kate Moss. She is the only one I wanted to know anything about during this entire escapade.
9. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett announced their divorce.
While preparing this post, I g-chated the already mentioned Lara and asked her to freshen my memory on a major celebrity divorce that occurred in the last seven months and she said “Probably still Kim Kardashian” which happened in 2011. So I searched the Internet for celebrity divorces of 2012 and scrolled through the slideshow Us Weekly had created on the subject (the poor intern who’s job that was–don’t forget Chris Harrison or Richie Sambora and Denise Richards! Again!). And then I fell upon Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s photograph and I remembered and re-saddened. I choose not to be shocked by most things related to celebrity relationships, but I had just recently read Mindy Kaling’s book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? And Other Concerns, and in her chapter on marriage she shares a story about being at a party with Will and Amy and how they just seemed to be on the same team. Teammates. So I was rooting for them. Because when two smart, funny people get together, I want that to be enough to keep them together. When it’s not, reality sets in, and we realize that marriage is infinitely complicated and none of this is any of our business and I still love them both.
10. I watched the entire series Rescue Me in approximately two months.
This is not a pop culture event, but more a recommendation for the next series you tackle on Netflix Watch Instantly. I spent a lot of time alone in my old office in the last few months I was there and also just dedicated a great deal of evening and weekend time to this show. There was one Saturday where I genuinely had a full day of social activities—lunch with a friend, a trip to the grocery store, tidied up the apartment, etc.—and still managed to watch eight episodes. It is such a well-written, well-acted show that is hilarious and heartbreaking and ladies, if ever you are looking for some level of insight into the male experience, particularly regarding sex and relationships, Rescue Me would be the show for you. If you are wondering what kind of insight a terribly written, terribly acted show provides, you can borrow the first four seasons of Entourage from me and then never return them.
That’s all for now! Please share with me anything I missed, if you are so inclined. Enjoy your weekends. Be safe out there celebrating St. Patrick’s Day! I’ll share with you my adventures next week if I can even remember them. That’s hilarious. I’m too old to still enjoy this.