Monthly Archives: April 2012

Brace Yourself

It’s really too bad Maggie and I don’t have some kind of overseer to keep us on task. It’s been two weeks since the last post, and the fact that we had a 30-minute phone conversation last night that included a brief discussion on how much we both enjoy lying on the couch, is not promising for the longevity of this blog. I think she would agree with my assertion that we work well under guidelines and deadlines. It’s not like either of us ever arrive at our respective offices, push the day’s to-do list aside, curl up in a blanket and watch clips of Parks and Recreation on Hulu. Although that does sound heavenly. But for some reason, coming home at the end of the day and propping ourselves up in front of a computer to think some more, is really hard. Not like sitting through an episode of Shahs of Sunset hard, but like, taking an ACT prep class on a Saturday morning in June hard. You see, we want to do it. We know we should do it. But the alternative is a couch and an episode of Bethenny Ever After on the DVR? You guys, I just can’t resist that completely neurotic take on what it’s like to be married to the perfect man. According to Bethenny, it is NOT a good thing. Anyway, no more excuses. Here we are. (Oh and I said we, Maggie, so now you have to do one too.) Hopefully she’ll get around to sharing the montage of photos she took of us doing our taxes, eating pancakes, and watching the Mad Men season premiere two Sundays ago. It was ca-razy.

And what news do I have to share today? Well tomorrow morning, for the first time since I was thirteen years old, I will head out into the world with a mouth full of braces. It’s true! Although I have actually already worn the beautiful tooth jewelry for over two years, back when I was in junior high, I am once again volunteering for 8-10 months of an extremely high maintenance oral hygiene regimen. Despite my orthodontist’s instructions back in the summer of 2000 to wear a retainer at night once my braces were removed, I ignorantly abstained and 12 years later have the results to prove it. While one of my front teeth is slowly moving counterclockwise from its once straight position, its friend to the right is simultaneously, slowly, making moves to hide behind it. I’m sure there have been other shifts that I can’t see, but luckily I’m vain, so these two are the only ones that concern me. Now for the good news, as I’m sure many of you are having minor anxiety attacks of secondhand embarrassment on my behalf. What I am actually signing myself up for is Invisalign, the solution for adults who want straight teeth but would rather crawl into a hole and die than be seen around town with metal brackets on their teeth.

Obviously the upshot to this whole experience is that in 8-10 months I will have a set of pearly whites all lined up in a row the way God modern day society intended. The downside of course is that I have to wear these invisible trays 22 hours out of the 24 we have in a day. That means I’ll have 40 minutes to eat each meal with no consideration to snacks. Luckily it doesn’t take me 40 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal in the morning, because snacks is pretty much my favorite meal of the day. I’ll be planning accordingly. It just means I’m going to have to be more conscious when I go out for long celebratory dinners (which is all the time?), as well as on Sunday afternoons when my favorite activity is to eat from 1:00 pm until bedtime. Frankly, it’s going to be a pain, but as my mom and sister told me at different points yesterday, “The sooner you get them on, the sooner you get them off!” You may think Maggie and I are similar, but you should see her with my mom. I’ve never known women with such highbrow taste, to have an equal passion for lunch dates at Bakers Square. It’s almost unsettling.

Anyway, wish me luck. I’m trying to prepare myself for when they tell me I can’t drink red wine on the fly anymore. I hope I don’t cry. What will the ten year old boy to my left getting his palate expander installed think?

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