Monthly Archives: March 2012

Bachelor Recap: I’m Still Shaking

As I noted at the end of last Monday’s post, I attended an exercise class with my friend that night called “The Celebrity Workout” that was supposed to draw inspiration from the routines of Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Hudson. It would have been more tempting to share a full account of this experience had it been more campy or ironic, but it turned to be just a regular class in a facility that charged a dollar to rent a towel. This detail wouldn’t normally affect me, as I am not an insane sweater, but that changes when you’re encased in an 85 degree room with little to no ventilation, and you’re doing something instructor Saul refers to as hot potato squats—which, for the record, are not nearly as fun as the game Hot Potato. More importantly, this class had nothing to do with the celebrities du jour. You can’t just say “We’ll be doing the strength training of Mark Wahlberg and the cardio routine of Jennifer Hudson,” and it’s just automatically true. I mean, for God’s sake, they didn’t even play “Good Vibrations,” nor did Saul refer to me or any of the other women in the class as “fly honeys.” It was just disappointment, after disappointment. The routine itself still kicked my ass, so plus one, and I discovered that I am now capable of completing a full set of mountain climbers. This is a really big deal because when I first started personal training back in January and our trainer introduced us to the mountain climber, I moved like a paraplegic, before collapsing completely after about five seconds.

Anyway, what I’m really here to offer, over a week after it’s conclusion, is some insight into the Bachelor finale. What was easily the worst season in Bachelor history (and I am including that season when the Bachelor was a 40 year old man named Byron), is finally over, and if we had any questions about how someone could grow to love Ben Flajnik, none of them were answered last Monday. I didn’t even get around to cuing up the two-hour long finale until after my 60 minutes of hip-thrusting with Saul, a trip to the grocery store, and a shower, so you can imagine my energy level was low, and therefore particularly ill-equipped for listening to Lindzi and Courtney explain to me how the next obvious step in this concocted relationship is MARRIAGE. TO BEN. But I would be remiss if I didn’t drudge my way through every last detail, including but not limited to, the capes Courtney and Lindzi adorned during the results portion of the episode—even if it is ten days later. Sometimes I wish the winner was announced American Idol style with the final two standing shoulder to shoulder, looking down at the floor, the host calling out the stage manager’s name into the ether to bring the lights down, and then eventually fireworks bursting from the stage as Ben gets down on his knee, and the camera pans to the loser’s family, who sit somberly in the audience, still wearing their homemade t-shirts that have phrases written on them like, “Lindzi Is Going To Be Zee Winner!” Onto to the recap.

I didn’t track many details during the debriefing session at the top of the episode when Ben shared crucial information with his family about Lindzi and Courtney (like how the former likes horses and the latter is a model), due to the fact that I was eating dinner at the same time and I didn’t want Ben to take away from how happy I was eating risotto. I did sense from her body language, however, that Ben’s mom was extremely uncomfortable discussing matters of the heart in front of television cameras. I always feel bad for the family members that get dragged into this show, forced to lend a supportive voice for their child’s idiotic ideas.  Like parents at a dinner party who have to explain, with confidence, that their child has decided to pursue a career in DJing. Lindzi is the first to meet Mrs. Flajnik and sister Julia, who welcomed her with open arms despite the fact that she has the most unfortunate blemish on her face. And really, blemish is putting it nicely. I point this out, one, because my friend Lara screeched out at me as soon as it appeared on the screen, “Write about the zit!’ and I hate to let down a friend, and two, because it must be noted that it could not have arrived at a worse time, and if anything is going to knock you off your game when it matters most, it is a horrendous zit on your face. The poor girl was so out of sorts, she couldn’t even get a good grasp on her silverware, and kept dropping it on her plate during lunch. Honestly, they should have postponed production for a few days until it had time to heal, because in real life, if your boyfriend requested you meet his parents and you had an outrageous growth on your face, you would probably knee him in the groin. Bad skin brings out the worst in us. After lunch, things went slightly smoother, with Julia escorting Lindzi out onto the terrace and getting down to brass tacks on the whole marrying her brother situation. “I think he wants to dig a little deeper with you…because if you don’t you could lose out, or vice versa.” That’s nice, to offer your guest a padded threat on the first day you meet. Can someone please explain to me how Courtney has opened up and appeared vulnerable to Ben in ways that Lindzi has not? We all recognize Ben’s argument that Lindzi has kept her guard up this whole time, making it difficult for him to really know her is complete BS, correct? Great. After the pushy-cloaked-in-friendly conversation was over, Julia tells the camera that Lindzi is a “really warm and easy person to talk to.” Which is kind of a non-compliment, if you ask me–like describing someone as a go-getter. What is that? Ben steps out onto the terrace once Lindzi leaves, looking for any revelations Julia may be able to offer him. “Did you like her,” Ben asks. “Yeah I really liked her,” Julia replies. Ben: “Ughhhhhh!” Wait, what? It makes you groan to learn that your sister is enjoying the company of the woman who you just said you feel confident you could spend the rest of your life with? Ben, you just made it abundantly clear that in having Lindzi meet your family, you were hoping for a circumstance to arise that would allow you to dump her guilt-free. We’re only 20 minutes into the episode and now I have an hour and forty minutes left to spend reaching into the shallowest wells of my imagination to consider the uncomfortable way in which Ben will propose to Courtney.

The next day, Courtney arrives for her own version of a Flajnik-themed interrogation. Julia made her opinion on Courtney’s modeling career known when she first arrived in Switzerland, eye-rolling so hard at the news, slamming Ben with disgust. “A model?!” I’m surprised she didn’t tie it with an exasperated, “Oh, brother!”

Courtney, on the other hand, was absolutely thrilled to meet Ben’s family. You see, she understands how important an opportunity like this is: “They could potentially be my family. We could be getting engaged…I’m really nervous!” I’M SO BORED! Why can’t, just once, someone come on this show who has just an ounce of perspective on the ridiculousness of this entire concept, and the Bachelor falls in love with her because she’s smart and snarky. I could relate to that girl. I could BE that girl. (The obvious hole in this request is that girls with perspective like this don’t aspire to be on this show. I’m moving on.) Courtney sits down with Julia and Mrs. Flajnik, who cuts right to the chase: “You hear model and you think ‘Ahhehhhh.’ Do you get that a lot?” I’m learning that tact was not a gene Ben ever had a shot at inheriting. Throughout the meet and greet, Courtney works overtime to guarantee herself a thumb’s up from Ben’s mom and sister. I imagine these desperate pledges of love and commitment she keeps making are a result of a lifetime of seeming unlikeable when meeting a boyfriend’s family. “When I get home from being with him, my cheeks hurt. He’s just so funny! I love him,” Courtney tells Ben’s mom.  Courtney, she’s his mother. She knows better than anyone how humorless he is.  If I brought a man home and he told my parents, “I just love how athletic she is! And how well she comprehends NOVA specials,” they’d be like, who is this joker? Red flag. Ben’s mom does the polite thing by smiling and nodding at Courtney’s misplaced enthusiasm. Oh Mrs. F, thanks to your son, you just signed up for a lifetime of smiling and nodding, and you don’t know even know it yet. Courtney and Julia also have a moment to chat and after Courtney leaves, and Julia does the classic reality TV slow-reveal, where she phrases her critique in a certain way so that it starts out sounding like it could be heading in a negative direction, right before blossoming into a rave review, with a music shift. “I’m blown away. She’s a really amazing girl. I learned an important lesson today…you can’t judge a book by its cover.” You absolutely can. So Lindzi and Courtney both receive approval from Ben’s family, and now it is up to him to discern the qualities in each woman that he feels best match what he is looking for in his life partner. I believe Ben’s analysis will start and end with their faces, and yet, we’re not even halfway through.

The final one on one dates were both nonevents. Unless you find two adults playing in the snow together with nothing in common except the task at hand captivating. Lindzi was first, and got scooped up by Ben in a horse drawn sleigh. I wonder if Lindzi is kicking herself for making such a big deal about her passion for horses, because she can’t seem to get one date away from them. Kind of like on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when one of the designers would find a toy dinosaur under a kid’s bed and then the designer would build his bed in the shape of a T-Rex’s mouth? And the kid would walk into his new room and you could tell by the look on his face that he actually hadn’t played with that toy dinosaur in three years? I think it’s like that. Anyway, Lindzi and Ben arrive at the Matterhorn and hop into a gondola for a quick picnic, before arriving at a height appropriate for skiing. I myself have never been skiing, but Ben and Lindzi certainly didn’t make it look appealing—what with her pinned to his back as they skied down the Matterhorn together. Is that an activity where we need to be that close? It reminds me of when a four year old sits on your lap on a 90 degree day: “Just…can you please…ugh…maybe adjust your…hold, ohh…JUST GET OFF ME!”

Later that night, while Lindzi and Ben shared a romantic dinner together, I transcribed the following pieces of dialogue:

  • Do you think I’ve been more open?
  • Can you see an “us” in our future?
  • It’s nice that you can be serious at times too. It’s something I haven’t had a lot in my life, and it’s something I continue to look for.
  • There hasn’t been anyone in my life worth letting in.
  • I see a life with you.
  • I feel like the way this woman loves me is true and good and honest.

My issue here is not just that this is all so sappy I want to die, but that there cannot be any authenticity to this conversation, when it is tied so tightly to the pressure of winning a competition. This is the last opportunity Lindzi has to convince Ben to pick her to marry her. When you’re this far along, you would never have a conversation like, “I like you, but in terms of our future, I think we need to spend more quality time together before making any big decisions,” even if that’s how you’re really feeling. No. Instead you say something moronic like, “I see a life with you,” because your mind is so warped into thinking that you need to win. That you’ve earned a proposal, rather than truly considering whether or not you want one. Seriously, if I turned The Bachelor into a drinking game and took a drink every time Lindzi said, “I see a life with you,” I’d be sent to a hospital. Their date ends and I secretly suspect that Ben breaks up with Lindzi on the top of a mountain by saying, “Welcome to Dumpsville…population you.”

The next day Ben prepares to meet up with Courtney, but before the date begins, Courtney offers us her assessment on the finale. “What’s that other girl’s name? *hahaha* Ben’s got a lot of depth, and I never saw that side of Lindzi.” Yay! Catty Courtney is back! I hardly missed you! She and Ben are reunited and it’s not long before we hear a helicopter approaching in the distance.

Courtney: Tee-hee! That’s our helicopter, isn’t it?!

Ben: No, it must be a rescue helicopter or something…I lied it’s our helicopter.

Way to let the joke land, Ben. The two fly over the mountains, while Ben announces that their relationship is “progressing to new heights” and I really hope that is the final relationship metaphor of the season. I’m not holding my breath. They get dropped off on the side of a mountain for some carefree winter activities: sledding, snow angel making, sitting around and talking about their feelings. Just like when we were kids. Like I said, a nonevent. As they transition off the mountain and into a lodge for a romantic dinner for two, Ben comments, “We’ve had our struggles, but it’s nice to be where we are. To overcome that.” It occurred to me when Ben said that, that Courtney is exactly the kind of woman one falls in love with before you actual settle into the day to day realities of a longterm relationship. Everything about her seems wonderful and beautiful, but then suddenly you’re a year in and you don’t know how to get her to stop accusing you of cheating every time you go to the gym. Courtney makes Ben a scrapbook filled with candid production stills of the two of them shot by a production assistant, and uses this tender moment as an opportunity to tell Ben that she feels like she’s doing everything she can to tell him how she feels, and she’s not getting enough in return. “I’m out on a ledge waving my arms! I love you! I love you!” To which Ben replies, “In my defense, I have to explore all options.” That may be your defense Ben, but it is also pretty much the rudest thing you could have said. A woman tells you she feels alone in her commitment to you and you respond by basically saying, “I understand you feel vulnerable, but at the end of the day, you aren’t my only option.” How comforting. Ben is like that kid who nobody paid attention to in junior high, and then for some inexplicable reason he became popular in high school and didn’t know how to handle the newfound fame, so he decided to play it like a James Spader character from the 80s, and just be an asshole. I don’t know if that archetype actually exists, but it suits Ben perfectly.

The helicopter rides, and mountains, and candles, and wine are finally exhausted and there is nothing left for Ben to do but make his decision. After Ben has a quick therapy session with non-therapist Chris Harrison, and Lindzi and Courtney each spend some time on a balcony looking somber, we finally (FINALLY!) arrive at the season’s conclusion. Lindzi and Courtney each top off their proposal look with floor length capes that make them look like the narrator from a children’s production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and climb into separate helicopters. The first one lands, a heeled foot steps out, and we have to wait ten seconds before the camera pans all the way up to reveal the face of the loser. Lindzi. To make it all the more painful, the producers add a voice over of Lindzi going on and on about how she wants to spend the rest of her life with Ben, as she walks towards said Ben, who couldn’t disagree more. “I’ve fallen in love with you. BUT [and it’s a big but, Lindzi] I need those moments to last a lifetime. And I found that with someone else. I’m sorry. I’m in love with someone else.” Lindzi is speechless, but graciously allows Ben to escort her back to her helicopter. Just before she leaves, he tells Lindzi, “I’m still shaking. I feel so bad,” and Lindzi sweetly tells him “It’s ok,” while rubbing his back. That’s really my favorite. When the one in pain ends up comforting the one who caused it. For someone who handled rejection with such surliness on The Bachelorette, I had hoped Ben would have taken a bit more time to think about how to break up with Lindzi in the most considerate way possible, but he failed me again. Once inside the helicopter, Lindzi becomes slightly more defensive about Ben’s decision, saying, “If he does want to marry Courtney [he does!], I would be shocked. He’d look like a fool [he did!].”And off she went, sentenced to a life of trying to meet a man the regular way.

After a quick commercial break, we are back on the mountain, and Courtney arrives, taking Ben’s breath away. Supposedly. As they come together, it is terribly awkward, as is every moment between them, and I wonder what it would feel like to accept a marriage proposal from a man with whom you haven’t even developed a conversational rhythm. “I think you’re an incredible woman, BUT [oh, this is the good but]…I promised myself I wouldn’t get down on one knee again unless I was certain it was forever and I want to tell you that…you’re my forever.” “AHHH! I WON! I WON!” She didn’t actually say that, but you know she was thinking it. “With all that said, Courtney, will you marry me?” “Of course I will. I love you so muhhchhh!” Ben gets down on one knee, and jimmies the Neil Lane sponsored ring on Courtney’s gloved finger. Ben then must ask if Courtney will accept the final rose, which feels completely superfluous and ridiculous after a marriage proposal, but at least it reminds us that we are in fact watching a television show. “You’re stuck with me!” Courtney exclaims with glee. This sentiment was a direct lead-in to the After The Rose special, where we receive confirmation that Courtney and Ben are not together. Lucky for me, my DVR cut this program off after seven minutes and I didn’t have to sit through Chris Harrison tritely encourage them to re-engage in front of a studio audience.

So there you have it. Ben and Courtney. Engaged. Broken up. Engaged again–under the specific instruction of Chris Harrison. A fairytale ending if I ever heard one. Thanks for reading! Until next season!

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Saturdays With Maggie: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

As most of you are aware, this past Saturday was St. Patrick’s Day. As long as you’re not a teetotaler who gets upset when you see crowds of youths gathering to start binge drinking at 7 am, there is no reason to not love this holiday. And to make things even more exciting, Chicago (along with the whole country, I think?) is having a “The end of the world must be nigh” style heat wave, which meant that Saturday was 80 degrees and sunny. Last week, when I saw this was the forecast, I was afraid the unseasonable weather would turn people into wild animals, like how murder rates allegedly go up during heat waves. But instead I think it just made everyone cheerful and happy, which is as good a testament to the Irish as any. (For real, they are such a cheerful people.)

For the past few years I’ve had a St. Patrick’s Day brunch at my apartment, which is perfect because it combines two of my favorite things: day drinking and being in charge. I love hosting parties, mainly because I’m a particular sort of person who likes things to be a certain way, and when you’re the host you get to control everything! (This makes you want to come to my parties, no?) But they require a lot of prep work!

First things first (and unrelated to my hosting duties), I had to get something green and festive to wear. I had been jonsing for a pair of colored jeans, but every pair I tried on made me feel like a Crayola sausage. Not a good look! Adding insult to injury, they were all designer brands, and, as Catherine and I can agree, I’m not trying to pay $150 to look ugly. That is the opposite of how these things are supposed to work. But finally at Bloomingdales, in the midst of a strange and terrifying runway show/cocktail party whose purpose I could not discern, I found these Free People gems. They fit, the price was right, so I snagged ‘em.

Don't worry, I didn't wear gross basket weave wedges with them, like this model.

On Friday night I hit the grocery store to pick up supplies. You know who goes grocery shopping on Friday nights? Couples. Which…I know something a lot of people worry about is falling into a rut when they’ve been dating someone for a long time. And I might suggest that one way to spice things up would be to leave Dominick’s out of the equation on the weekend evenings. But that’s just me. For you, picking up the week’s essentials with your main squeeze might be total sexy times. In which case, awesome!

And then on Saturday morning it was time to cook. I kept the menu pretty simple, with all of your standard lady brunch foods: an egg based dish, turkey sausage, fruit salad, etc.

The spread

Also included on the menu were these parmesan hash brown cups which, unless everyone was lying to protect my delicate hostess ego, were the breakout hit of the party. I’m not a food blogger, so I didn’t take any step-by-step shots, but here’s the finished product:

And seriously, they are so, so easy to make. There are 6 ingredients, and two are salt and pepper, which shouldn’t even count. And you just mix it all up in a bowl, and then put the mixture in a cupcake tin. Although do note that they take an hour and 15 minutes to cook, because I had not read the recipe ahead of time, and popped them in the oven about 20 minutes before the party started.

And then friends came, drinking began, and what was supposed to be a brunch turned into a day long affair. We were out on my deck and didn’t leave until almost 6, and only then because we were finally forced out in search of more booze. (I think the last drink someone made was a gin and water, which to me is the cocktail equivalent of two cartoon hobos splitting a bean for dinner.)

Would you leave?

We headed to Declan’s, an Irish bar in Old Town, and continued to drink outside, which was all I cared about. Bagpipers came. So did some fireman in their dress uniforms (bing!). I choked down half a car bomb before cursing and vowing never again. It was a magical day. How was your holiday weekend?

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Lessons In Trying To Be An Adult: Shopping on a Budget

I just bought jeans for three dollars. And twenty seven cents, if I’m being exact. Ever since I moved out on my own and became basically responsible for my own finances (I’m technically still on the family phone plan—thanks T-Mobile mom!), I have learned the value in reevaluating my needs. When I first graduated from college, I couldn’t land a paying job in a field that interested me, because apparently certification in hand-to-hand stage combat is not viewed as an asset the way a summer long professional internship might be. And so I slowly transitioned into a full-time nanny, spending the first two years of my post-collegiate life making peanut butter jelly waffle sandwiches at seven in the morning and sleeping in the twin bed of my childhood bedroom. The upshot to graduating three months prior to a devastating economic recession/with an Acting degree was that I was able to allocate at least 50% of my weekly salary to savings, and spend on the rest on, well, whatever I wanted. Anytime I walked into my closet and felt uninspired by my options, I promptly walked out and drove myself to the mall for something new. Which usually led to new accessories, possibly new shoes, and maybe even a frozen yogurt on the way home if I was feeling particularly feminine. I felt like the fabulous young wife of a millionaire, who is given free reign of his credit card in order to distract from the fact that he is having eight separate affairs. Except that I was single, lived with my parents, and generally shopped at DSW.

When I was finally ready to do the grown-up thing and venture out on my own, I gained hundreds of dollars worth of monthly expenses that I had avoided for two years (ie rent, heat, and the all important cable-internet-DVR package), and a job that required a lot of creativity when it came to budgeting it all. Gone were the days of casually picking out an eighty-dollar blouse when the mood swayed me, here were the days of selecting eye makeup remover based on the price per ounce. Part of me enjoys it actually. I imagine it’s the same part of me that enjoys filling out form–the organization, all the numbers, going through past months’ credit card bills and deciding what I could have gone without. It makes me feel like an accountant—if only I had that calculator with the spool of paper attached and a green plastic visor to boot! What I don’t like is sacrificing my social life in order to buy a new swimsuit for summer, or occasionally, groceries. “Sorry guys, I’m out for tonight. I just ate my last banana and the $10 I have left for the month has been set aside for next week’s fruit supply, rather than 1.5 beers + tip.” But that only happens every once in awhile. I actually live a very full life that rarely feels hindered by my income.

So, how did I buy jeans for three dollars and twenty-seven cents today? Well, since concluding that designer jeans are just ridiculously expensive enough that I can no longer pretend to want them, and that none of them ever actually fit my body in a flattering or comfortable way (you think that would have prevented me from buying them in the past, but sadly, no), I decided to look for more budget-friendly options. You can imagine my delight when I received an email from Gap this morning stating that they had extended their 30% off sale through Monday, and I thought, “Hey! They sell jeans!” So during my lunch break, I walked the seven blocks from my office to Gap and tried on a variety of styles and found EXACTLY what I was looking for. And I’m sorry you guys, but they looked great on me. So win, win, win. At the cash register, I politely turned down (three times) the offer to open a Gap credit card, handed him my $50 American Express gift card I had received at Christmas time, saw the 30% discount taken off my tab, resulting in a final total of $3.27. Some might say that paying with a $50 gift card doesn’t exactly count as getting something for three dollars, but honestly gift cards always feel like Monopoly money to me, so I stand by my story. And for the record, the old me probably would have purchased all three pairs I had tried on because I loved them all. It made me feel mature and savvy, like one of those HGTV personalities who teaches you how to remake an old chair with an old shower curtain.

It was a great success and I can’t wait to go home and move my old favorite pair of jeans, that have been worn so much in the last year and a half that the denim is starting to disintegrate in the inner thighs, to the bottom of my jean drawer.

Also, tonight I am going to a fitness class with my friend Lara called “The Hollywood Workout.” Tonight’s workout is inspired by Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Hudson. THIS IS NOT A JOKE! More on this experience later this week.

Bachelor Recap: I Didn’t Come To Make Friends

This week we took a slight pause in our study of Ben Flajnik’s search for love in all the wrong models, to gather the gaggle of his scorned lovers together under one sound stage, for a two-hour long venting session.  If you’re exhausted just from reading that sentence, imagine how I felt experiencing the shriek fest firsthand. Chris Harrison was the designated moderator, there to lead the women through what I assume was intended to be a discussion of the highs and lows of the season. But the 20 something women before him clearly had an agenda of their own. It felt like every last one of them–even those we had long forgotten–saw this as an opportunity to redeem herself by pointing out the inanity in others. Little do they know they’re all insane, and there is nothing any of them can do for their reputation to fully recover from the decision to go on this show, including—and listen closely ladies—signing up for Bachelor Pad. That’s not to say I have a problem with the Bachelor off-shoot (it’s actually my favorite of the three series, as competing in blindfolded kissing contests for money feels so much more on par for what this franchise is about), I’m just saying should these women choose to participate, America will, collectively, continue to think of them as vapid boobs.

The episode, aptly titled The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, focuses on the season’s most talked about moments, rehashing each and every one through montages and poorly moderated question and answer sessions. But tonight, before Chris Harrison could even say, “go,” these women were squawking and spitting anything and everything that came to mind, all talking over one another, in a poorly conceived effort to prove their point. It was an over-the-top showcase of all the qualities we like least in the lady gender.  Rather than dissect all that transpired by writing a long-winded narrative, I thought I would shake things up a bit and instead provide a timeline of the most memorable moments. The little nuggets of hormonal, insecure, desperation that left me with a stomachache and a few less brain cells. Here we go!

Before the women appeared on stage, Chris Harrison welcomed us to the reunion, rattling off a few adjectives to describe this season’s love-capades, using words like  “outrageous” and “awkward.” All of this, though, was just flowery language used to delay the inevitable tension that would fill the room when it came time to address the villainous antics of one contestant in particular: “And then of course there’s the woman that all of America is talking about. The woman many fans love to hate. Of course, I’m talking about Courtney.” Of course. Cut to a sassy lady audience member giving us her best “mmm-hmmmmmmm” face in response to this summation. (This exact same audience-insert was used at least two more times during the episode. So this anonymous woman’s sass may have been taken out of context.)

Shortly after, Chris Harrison confirms what we all hoped in our hearts was true: “And later in the show, one of the final two will be here tonight [dramatic pause]…That’s right, Courtney will be here to defend herself.”  I wish confetti had exploded from the sky in that moment.

The first montage of the night is set-up to be a “Where Are They Now?” montage of former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, but it quickly turned into “They’re All in a Dark Bar Making Out With Each Other” montage.
During the aforementioned segment, I learned that Kasey from Ali’s season, who famously tattooed his wrist with a heart and shield in order to prove his ability to guard and protect her heart, and went on to date Bachelor season 14 winner Vienna Girardi, is now single. How did I learn this? From the gag-tastic footage of him sloppily circling his tongue around the mouth of another woman. Gross.

The montage as a whole was clearly a teaser for season 3 of Bachelor Pad, which, as I’ve already mentioned, is my fave. It’s the best kind of summer programming: mindless and catty. I can only hope that Bachelorette contestant Frank (who left Ali’s season because he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend) and Ali (who clearly still thinks they’re soul mates) reunite at the “Pad” and there are a lot of awkward, “But seriously, I’m not that into you.” conversations between them.

Ben’s scorned lovers arrive on stage, and Chris begins to break down the ins and outs of the season. Blakely, following the advice of every contestant on America’s Next Top Model ever, tells Chris that the reason the women found her so off-putting was because she “wasn’t there to make friends.” Really? That cliché felt stale in 2006. Come on now.

I actually didn’t realize anyone still had unaddressed resentment towards Blakely, who clearly turned out to be totally harmless, yet out of nowhere an unknown blonde began attacking her, swearing and gesticulating so ferociously I thought she was going to knock the women to her left and right out of their chairs. “Who the fuck is this loud mouth,” I wrote in my notes. “Wasn’t she sent home for being such a loud mouth?” Upon closer review, I remembered that it was Samantha, who, yes indeed, was instructed to leave because she was so annoying. Comeback Grade: F.

Brittney, better known as the girl who brought her grandma on the first night, told Chris the main reason she decided to leave the show right after receiving an invitation for a one-on-one date was because, “I had no attraction to Ben.” Yay! Me either! Let’s start a club!

Samantha continued to purge her unpleasantness on the whole reunion show experience until finally Brittney lashed back: “You’re like the Chihuahua in the house, you just don’t stop talking. Shut up!” It was kind of disheartening how rousing the applause was for one woman telling another to shut up. Especially when you had to watch Samantha’s face invert into itself out of embarrassment for being out-yakked. But then she was quiet the rest of the episode, so…wash.

Shawntel, who caused a world of controversy when she appeared on the show three episodes in, hoping to enter the competition, joined Chris on stage to review the footage of all the nasty comments that were made by the other women at her expense. “Many of which we can’t play on national television,” Chris told us. “HAHAHA!” went the women. No, no. You are remembering this wrong, ladies. It’s actually not funny. It’s despicable, and you should be bowing your heads in shame. “HAHAHA!”

“I could sit here all day and apologize for calling you ugly.” –Erica. Yes, that would be a start.

Emily is next up in the hot seat, and she couldn’t be happier to have the solo attention. You can tell she has prepared some biting one-liners that she is ready to spit out as soon as Chris Harrison asks a question that will match them.

During the montage detailing the Emily-Ben relationship that turned into a dark, finger-pointing mess, we had to relive the moment when Ben tells Emily, “Tread lightly. And be careful.” Is there anything worse than a pompous prick? Yes, one with bad hair.

Emily told Chris “I wouldn’t want to end up with somebody who would fall for what Courtney was putting forward.” No worries, Emily! He didn’t want to end up with you either! Problem solved. When is the next commercial break?

Following Emily in the hot seat was Nicki, who had a much better attitude about the whole process than any of the other women. It was incredibly refreshing.

“I fell really hard for him. Really hard.” –Nicki. That kind of breaks my heart. Only because it’s Ben and I’m positive she’s over thinking it.

This was the first time I found myself really enjoying Nicki. She looked great, and spoke of her time on the show with honesty, humbleness, and perspective. I’m rooting for you Nicki! (But don’t go on The Bachelorette if they offer it to you because that would probs be boring.)

“I would never ask him what I did wrong, because I was myself!” –Nicki. I love when a lady says something to a room full of ladies that causes everyone’s estrogen to start hooping and hollering. It makes me feel like I’m at a self-affirmation lady convention, where everything seems possible and men are just pawns and we talk about breast cancer and the perfect jean fit! True story: my sophomore year of college I went to a National Sorority Convention in Salt

Lake City and I’ve never eaten so many side salads while wearing floral prints in my life.

Why is Chris Harrison’s wedding ring so ugly?

Kacie B. braves the hot seat. Chris starts this round of questioning off with the terribly pandering comment, “Everyone quickly fell in love with you.” Did we?

Kacie B. watches her montage packet (up to and including her Intervention-style departure) with a very serious and somber face. Maybe it’s just me, and my inability to take anything seriously, but how do you not make self-depricating goofy faces when you’re watching yourself tearfully scream into a camera, “THIS IS WHY I DON’T LOVE!” Maybe it requires an understanding on my part that these aren’t “play” feelings, and they’re actually reliving very painful emotions. But whatever, I know I’d be taking it all in with the facial expressions of a Kristen Wiig-Kathy Lee Gifford impression.

“I don’t know, I think when I left [Switzerland] I had a few more questions.” –Kacie B. Seriously? Honey, no. Time is up. Pencils down. No more questions. Trust me.

“It’s time to talk about the most controversial woman of the season. Maybe ever!” Rein it in, Chris. Rein it in.

Before Courtney actually comes out, Emily proclaims, as if it’s a new idea, that Courtney was only on the show to win. Only on this competition show is this perceived as a bad thing. “It could have been Joe Schmo sitting there,” Emily wailed. Oh Emily, it was Joe Schmo.

I wish at some point in her life, Courtney’s mother told her that if she kept making that scrunchy, purse-lipped face, it would freeze that way.

Chris Harrison: You seem scared to death.
Courtney: I am.
Chris Harrison: Why?
Courtney: I’m terrified.
Mmm not an answer to the question, but I feel you.

I realized during this segment how painful it is to watch a pack of women gang up on one. Where are their manners? At least wait until she’s not in the room and do it behind her back. That’s what I would prefer, should I find myself in Courtney’s shoes…someday?

“Who thinks Courtney is here to apologize, or here to repair her image?” Ahh Chris, don’t take a poll! I don’t like all the power these women suddenly think they have to throw around in order to bring down one. My skin is crawling from secondhand shamefulness.

“It brought out the worst in me…I take it all back. I thought I did the best I could…There is no manual for how to act on The Bachelor!” –Courtney. No manual? What do you call fifteen previous seasons? All the rules, nuances, and strategies? I could write a tome.

“If I had known that this X plus whatever is whatever.” –Courtney. Was that Algebra?

Finally it’s time for Ben to come out and face the jury. “Welcome to my nightmare,” he tells Chris as he sits down. What a gracious arrival.

Nicki: You are the best man I have ever met in my entire life!
Ben: Thanks Nicki.
Wow. You couldn’t throw in a “I think you’re wonderful as well?” Or even a cheeky “You’re not so bad yourself?” I fucking hate this guy.

Chris asked Ben if there were anyone he would like to apologize to, for how he may have left things on the show. “Yes, actually. Casey S.” Whwhwhwwhaaatt? Casey S.? The girl you asked to leave because she came to you and told you that she can’t figure out a way to like you, mainly because she’s still in love with her loser ex-boyfriend? You wish that had been handled with more grace?

Towards the end, Ben was flooded with compliments by the ladies, who all suddenly felt compelled to express what an amazing guy he is. You know, guys, that really isn’t necessary, even if you are trying to present yourself as humble and grudge-less. Jamie, best known for her terribly awkward kissing tutorial, once again decided to act on instinct instead of awareness, and offered herself to Ben, should he ever find himself single again. 1. Slow your roll, girl. 2. I thought we were all working under the assumption that Ben is single? Well, I am at least.

Prepared to lighten the mood, Chris cues the montage of silly moments, filled with interview outtakes and lots of giggling. This show would be so much more tolerable if they inserted some of these sincere moments into the actual episodes. FYI, producers. During said montage, I think I learned that the bachelor has to get a bikini wax before the show begins? All I know is that I saw a lot of flesh in the brief snippet of Ben putting on his loincloth.

Kacie B. and Nicki held hands while the final montage, a side-by-side comparison of Lindzi’s and Courtney’s love-journeys, played. If Nicki was asked to be the Bachelorette, maybe Kacie B. could be one of the contestants.

Did you notice how Chris Harrison did NOT ask Ben to confirm whether or not he is currently in love? This is a standard question at the end of The Women Tell All Special. I’m telling you, you guys. Things are not going to end well for Ben Flajnik. I can feel it in my bones.

Next week the big finale! Who will he choose? How will the rejected soul handle herself? Can we hire Lindzi a speech pathologist? If she didn’t talk like that, I know I could really get behind her and then I wouldn’t feel like I’m wasting two hours of my night waiting for Ben to make a decision I feel totally ambivalent about.

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Bachelor Recap: I Just Hope You’re Making The Right Decision

We have finally arrived at the final three, and ladies and gentleman it feels good! Do gentlemen read these recaps? I hate to sexist-ly assume no. This is only the ninth episode of the season, but for some reason it feels like I have been tied up in Ben Flajnik’s affairs since 2007. Just as President Obama’s hair grayed rapidly once he entered office, I too am discovering physical signs of deterioration that were not there when the show began. My skin is drier. My nails are chipping. I’m not getting enough sleep. And why blame the winter air or my poor time management for these ailments, when I can blame Ben who dresses like a Kohl’s model featured in the Sunday coupon catalog.

The women joined Ben in Switzerland, where no one could think of a better place to fall in love. Nowhere? Not one other place?  Not, say, Paris or Venice? Or maybe a tiny island off the coast of Croatia that has slowly, overtime, formed into the shape of a heart? Switzerland it is!

Before the women arrive, Ben walks us through his three remaining wife-options, and his experiences with each thus far. Ugh, we’ve been watching Ben. We know! “I’ve really experienced every emotion in the book. Love, anger, sadness.” And if anyone of you are wondering why Ben seems so emotionally stilted, it’s because, as we now know, he is only capable of three very elementary emotions. I on the other hand, as an active participant of his journey, have experienced frustration, anxiety, lethargy, exasperation, aggravation, earnestness, resentment, animosity, melancholy, and general ennui. Maybe he just doesn’t have access to a thesaurus, like I do. Nicki, Ben told us, “is kind of the dark horse.” Just in case anyone forgot that this show is in fact a game, Ben is now referring to these poor women in competition terms. I’m surprised Ben didn’t just say, “Nicki is kind of like the LA Clippers. No matter how well they’re doing, you always manage to lose interest in them.”  He went on to describe her as “open, gentle, and caring. She’s very nurturing.” This would be a match made in heaven if Ben was looking for a nanny. Or a house cat for his mother. But what Ben is really looking for is a hot girlfriend to have on his arm when he attends the premiere of Dancing With The Stars, so things aren’t looking good for Ms. Nicki. Next, we get a run down of Lindzi, who Ben describes as “a little bit country and a little bit city.” Which is hilarious to me. Doesn’t Lindzi strike you as the kind of woman who would get into a gypsy cab and think she struck a deal? If Lindzi’s a little bit city, then my family vacation to Montana in 2002 is reason enough for me to go buy a license plate frame that says, “You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl!” I know the world of ladies is confusing, Ben, but someone wearing a lot of bronzer does not automatically make her a city gal.  “And then there’s also Courtney.” Oh, right. HER! How could you forget?! Especially when you make a fresh mental note every morning you wake up that she is the hottest woman to ever show prolonged interest in you. “I like that she’s a little nerdy. And that’s why I hold her in such high regard.” WHAT! What kind of ass-backwards character description is that? Courtney’s nerdy because she wore rubber overalls while fly-fishing with you? THAT WAS MANDATORY! She’s nerdy because she trotted you out to the ocean to go skinny-dipping? THAT’S NOT WHAT WE CALL THAT! She’s nerdy because she talks in a baby voice and makes weird noises when she can’t remember how to flirt with you? THAT’S BECAUSE SHE CAN’T NAME THE THREE BRANCHES OF US GOVERNMENT! Oy-yoy-yoy. I tell you, I should be a consultant on this show. Like Patti Stanger, but with greater success and less narcissism. An instant hit I tell ya!

Nerd alert!

Nicki is first up for the romantic one-on-one 24-hour day of fun. She reunites with Ben in Interlaken, Switzerland, which is also the name of a theatre arts overnight camp in the Midwest. Fitting, because I find Nicki to be the embodiment of an overnight theatre arts camp: sheltered, naive, and angsty. All rolled up into one overwhelming personality! Ben surprises her with a helicopter ride (although, how can you even pretend to be surprised at this point?) and Nicki exclaims, “This is my second helicopter ride ever. And it’s with Ben!” But, like, wasn’t the first one with Ben? I don’t know, it’s so hard to keep track at this point. I’d research this if I wasn’t already feeling so impatient. Nicki swoons over how safe Ben makes her feel as they ‘copter over the mountains, and how much she admires that quality in Ben. Later, in an unknown effort to dismantle every bit of confidence Nicki had in him, Ben tells her “When we went over that glacier, I saw my life flash before my eyes!” My hero! They unwrap their picnic lunch on a mountaintop that looks similar in size and steepness to the mountain where the Grinch lives. Nicki, I am realizing for the first time, is slightly more literal with her relationship metaphors. As she explains it, the climb up a mountain is like a relationship growing, but then, (my personal favorite), “…there’s also the cliff, which you can fall off of, which would be our relationship ending.” I wonder if this means Ben has the freedom to break up with her by telling her to jump off a cliff. Again, these are suggestions I could bring to my consulting. While picnicking, Nicki announces that she just wants to yell into the mountain air! Ben follows up with the sounds of a sick, elderly owl: “Hoo. Hoouuhhoo.” From the diaphragm, come on now, Ben! With this date clearly losing momentum, the two decide to slow thing down even more, and answer the inevitable sixth-date question, “How many kids do you want to have?” Ben rambles a bit about how he grew up in a small family, and after his dad passed away, he and his sister had discussed each wanting four kids. Nicki then answer with, “And I’ve always had my mind set on two.” Maybe Ben can have the other two kids with his sister. Like what Will and Grace were going to do before Grace met Harry Connick Jr., but weirder.At dinner, Ben faux-shyly presents Nicki with a sealed invitation. (Relax Ben. It’s the sixteenth season. She knows what’s coming.) With a bit of faux-hesitation, Nicki opens it and finds the offer to stay in the fantasy suite with Ben, aka have sex with him in order to stay competitive. “I will accept it,” she says. She’s such a minx. Quick Bachelor trivia question: Has any female contestant ever refused the fantasy suite invitation OR has any Bachelor ever declined to give one to a contestant? Like maybe because he decided he couldn’t get it up for her since discovering that weird thing she does while eating? Someone let me know. Anyway, Ben and Nicki arrive at their fantasy suite and change into bathing suits for some hot tub foreplay. Of all the foreplay that we are allowed to air on TV, hot tub foreplay makes me the most uncomfortable. There’s just so much going on that bubbles can hide. And what I really don’t need to be privy to is how Ben handles himself during foreplay. *Shiver*

The next day, perfectly ready and willing to free all his romantic inclinations for Nicki from his mind, Ben welcomes Lindzi to Switzerland. Lindzi performs her Bachelor due-diligence, running towards a stationary Ben as soon as she sees him. That’s not just physical energy you have to muster, ladies, that’s emotional energy. “Ehh ok, here we go! Ahh, it’s you! Yes! I’m excited! Here you are. Great. I’m running.” Ben escorts Lindzi over to a cliff, where a team of gentlemen are there to greet them and provide them with safety equipment, so that Lindzi and Ben might scale down it. Apparently Lindzi has not yet passed the “physical challenges to prove your love” phase of their relationship. And rightfully so, because remember! Lindzi has not yet told Ben point-blank that she in love with them. And until you do, Lindzi, down you go into the abyss. Here, relationship lessons are learned and re-learned, as they have to trust each other—or maybe just the man in charge of the ropes and harnesses?—and support each other, all while finding ways to keep the flame alive as they are suspended on the side of a cliff. Once they are released from this totally pointless, unromantic, and uneventful activity, the two change into their evening wear, and reconvene over dinner. Ben tells us that “Tonight will be a telling sign for me and Lindzi,” which I of course interpret as, “If we don’t have sex, I’ll assume she’s not serious about us. Ball’s in her court.” But maybe I’m being a cynic and Ben really is just one of those regular guys who presents women with physical invitations for overnight stays in romantic hotel rooms, and is perfectly happy to receive the response, “I don’t know if we’re ready for that.” I imagine that Ben actually was once quite comfortable being sexually rejected by women, but all of this control has gotten the better of him. Ben and Lindzi sit down at one of those tiny Bachelor dinner tables that barely has enough room for a dinner plate, let alone five pounds of roses and my elbows. It’s fine. I’m sure it’s all prop food anyway, so that no one ever wastes camera time actually eating. Kind of like how the Jersey Shore kids aren’t allowed to watch television in the house. It also occurred to me during this discourse, that the reason Ben likes Lindzi so much must be because she secretly reminds him of Ashley. Have you listened to the way she pronounces words like “today?” It comes out more like. “todaayyhhhaaaaayyyy!” If I am so lucky as to have a daughter of my own one day, and she ever speaks to me with that inflection, it would disturb me more than if she called me the c-word. I swear to God. Lindzi finally admits to herself that the only way to seal the deal and make it to the mountaintop proposal in two weeks, is to confess her ever-evolving, yet strong feelings for Ben during dinner: “I absolutely know for a fact that I really like you, and I’m falling in love with you and I’d like to see this with a proposal at the end.” I’ve never heard a woman’s feelings develop so quickly in one sentence. And all it took was really liking someone, being pretty sure you’re falling in love, and having a looming deadline. It’s like sleeping with your boss for a project extension, but less romantic. Ben hands Lindzi the fantasy suite card and Lindzi, sharp city girl that she is, asks, “Is this another invitayaahtion to scale a cliff?” I think it’s her wit that makes her so relatable. She agrees to a night in the fantasy suite with Ben and now she’s more in love than ever: “It feels really real, now that I’m falling in love with Ben.” That’s it, Lindzi. Just push yourself. You can make yourself feel anything if you try hard enough. Like a ten year old who still believes in Santa.

The final date of the episode is reserved for Courtney, and based on the previews, I know that this is because Ben needs to give her a stern talking to and he knows as well as I do that this sort of thing is best left for last, in order to sustain viewers through the 2nd hour. You know, for ratings. Ben waits for Courtney in a tan peacoat and you can tell he’s feeling very J. Crew. I think that’s what gave him the strength to say things to Courtney like, “There are certain times when you can kind of, twist the knife a bit, and I wish in those moments you would’ve made it a little easier on me.” I’m not really one to make jokes about men not having balls, or needing them removed, etc., but if I was, I would insert one here. Upon Courtney’s arrival, Ben tells her he has planned a “very Swiss’ date for the two of them. My brain is swirling from all the possibilities. And then I tell it to stop, because it turns out all that’s really involved in a “very Swiss” date is a train ride, talking down to the locals, and having a picni in a field where the Swiss cows are allowed to roam free. When Ben and Courtney first sit down, Courtney remarks what a different world this is; one where cows are allowed to enjoy the grassy plains as much as the people who leave behind their picnic litter. This is not good PR for America, by the way. Ben tells Courtney about his favorite game as a kid, a game called “Hey Cow.” The objective, according to Ben is to say “Hey cow!” until you get the cow to look at you. Courtney gives it a try:

“Hey cow! Hey cooowwww! Oh, that’s a fun game.”

These two really are amazing. I can only imagine the conversations they’ll have at 80.  The moment of truth arrives, and Ben lays it down for her: the women don’t like her, and she’s given them no reason to. When Ben has needed her to be there for him, she’s only made it harder. And she overuses the line “See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!” Ok, maybe that’s just my complaint. Courtney takes all of this very seriously, confessing to the camera, “Knowing that I’ve made it harder for him, that breaks my heart.” I thought she was going to pull a muscle with how hard she was trying to squeeze a tear out of those eyes in that moment. Ben doesn’t want to ruin the whole day with this confrontational conversation, so he waits until they relocate from their picnic, to the interior of a barn (I think?) for dinner, and then rehashes virtually everything that was discussed in the cow field. Just in case anyone at home was enjoying themselves too much. Courtney defends her behavior to Ben, explaining, “It’s been hard for me to be here, because I felt like I was falling for you early on. And I had my guard up.” I just…everyone just shut up. Seriously. I can’t even listen to this anymore. I get so frustrated. You were so in love with Ben that you had to protect yourself by putting your guard up, by throwing your often naked body in front of him, and tearing down the women around you in the process? Great, got it. I know earlier I offered my services as a consultant on this show, but I would also like to express similar interest in serving as an interventionist for any woman considering applying to be on this show. I’ll just play them snippets of The Bachelor’s web series “Diaries of the Departed.” This is what you’ll become, I’ll say! A shadow of your former self, sobbing in the back of the rejection limo over a man who gave you less affection than the last guy to ring you up at Trader Joe’s. And you know who will be there to judge you? THE WORLD.

The dinner portion of this date wraps up with Courtney telling Ben, “Moving forward, I think you have a good sense of who I am.” I know I do, Courtney! And it looks a lot like what I saw during weeks 1-8. Ben hands Courtney the fantasy suite invitation and they walk to a different romantic love lodge (I wonder what the set decorating budget is for this show) for some hot tub foreplay of their own. I avert my eyes, and feel extremely confident that we will be saying goodbye to Nicki in approximately 23 minutes.

Briefly, before the official commercial break after Ben and Courtney’s date, we got a sneak peak of the upcoming season of The Bachelorette, starring Emily Maynard. Emily, very nervous about her upcoming televised love journey, decided to fly to LA to gain some insight into what she can expect from this experience.  And who better to walk her though it, than former Bachelorettes Ali Fedotowsky and Ashley Hebert. It was all very ladies who lunch. Meaning extremely tedious and self-important. The three also attended a screening of the upcoming Titanic 3D, during which Ashley announced, “I kind of feel like the way Jack looked at Rose, is the way JP looked at me that first night.” And that’s all I have to say about that.

Back from the break, we find a mystery woman walking through the halls of the Swiss hotel where Ben is staying. And just when I thought these recaps were going to get easier, what with only three women left, it turns out, Kacie B. has returned, this time demanding answers, and taking up far too much of my time with her shenanigans. When Ben opens the door, there is of course the initial shock, but then he carries on for way too long. Enough of the exclamatory cursing, Ben, let the poor girl inside. Now you’re just being rude.

Once Ben composes himself and finds his manners, he welcomes her into his hotel room so that she may announce whatever line the producers fed her to explain her return. Kacie B. is in search of answers, in search of the truth! In a confrontation that could have played out as suspenseful as the notorious court room scene from A Few Good Men, if Ben and Kacie B. were a slice as captivating as Jack Nicholson and 80s Tom Cruise. Instead it played out kind of like this:

Kacie B: You’ve had your heart broken and I’m sure you’ve wanted answers. I was so confident in what we had, and didn’t see that coming at all.

Ben: I felt like we were worlds apart in terms of where we were coming from. I don’t think I could have given you all the things you needed….Did I see you in the end? No.

Zzz…

This is what the dialogue would sound like if Kim Kardashian became a ghost writer for the Gossip Girl series. Ugh, I would rather watch syndicated episodes of The Big Bang Theory at this point. Kacie B. gets all the information she needs–that Ben remains confident in his decision to stop liking her–but before she leaves, she decides to take one final swing at Courtney. “If you were to choose Courtney, you would get your heart broken.” Honestly, the whole thing is starting to feel like a witch hunt. There are three women left. Whoever he picks is his own problem. Let’s try and not lose any sleep over it, ok Kacie B.? “Ok,” she says while lying on the floor of the hotel, outside of Ben’s room. My word, what must Denny and Marth think of her now?

Ben shakes off the momentary distraction that was Kacie B., and prepares for his final rose ceremony of the season. After a lengthy chat with his fave gal pal, Chris Harrison, Ben reaches the painful decision of who he must send home. Waiting for him in what looked like a room from the set of Joe Millionaire, Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney stand side by side, passively aggressively utilizing their peripheral vision to size up the others. How at ease they would have felt, if just one had managed to put on ten pounds during their brief stay. Ben appears at the end of the hallway, and then uses a solid minute of my time to actually present himself in front of the women. He thanks all three for being with him, and for their continued trust. Lindzi receives the first rose. Courtney, the second. Nicki is sent home.

I had so much anxiety surrounding how Nicki would handle her inevitable departure. More than anyone, I thought Nicki would be capable of a truly historical Bachelor limo confessional. Surprisingly, though, she did a fairly good job of keeping with the show’s script: “I’ve never been in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I’ve never fallen so hard and so fast for someone who wasn’t sure.” Yes, yes, it’s all such a shock. Before Nicki left, she told Ben, “I just hope you’re making the right decision.” To which Ben replied, “Believe me, I do too!”

You’re not, Ben. And you never will. He has the grace of a bull, that one.

Next week is The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, where we get to relive Monica’s lesbian instincts and the tragic moment Jamie decided to be more aggressive with her flirtations. Until then!

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