Bachelor Recap: Maybe I’m Realizing It’s Really Real Now

I’ve been on a losing streak lately, in terms of getting these Bachelor recaps to you in a reasonable amount of time. Of course, my intention is always to have them posted by end of day Tuesday, when memories of Ben’s tank tops and vacation hair are still fresh in your mind. But for the third week in a row, I’ve had after-work commitments almost every night that have deterred me from reaching this goal. Not to say that my ranks as a Chicago socialite are on the rise; this past Wednesday, for example, my sister and I had scheduled an evening blog meeting, which turned into a two hour lecture on how I need to start operating my Pinterest account with more discretion. I’m sure you can understand why, after that lengthy discussion, I just wanted to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup and go to bed. But this is why I take thorough notes on Monday nights, so that when I finally do sit down to write these recaps, I can transport myself back to exactly how frustrated and flabbergasted I felt during the show. And so we begin!

This week, Ben traveled to Belize to meet up with the six women still contending for his heart. This episode, that brings six contestants down to four in preparation for the at-home dates, is now officially my least favorite episode of The Bachelor season, as it calls attention to the most inherent flaw of this program: this is not a show about finding true love, it’s about winning a competition. And the more these women receive confirmation that they are more desirable than the women around them getting sent home, the more motivated they are to keep pushing until they are crowned the winner, and take home the top prize. In this episode, you can see each woman scrambling to come up with the right thing to do or say in order to guarantee herself a rose. For most, who have already employed tactics like laughing at his jokes and pressing their chest against his when giving him a hug, this means raising the stakes, and announcing to Ben that they are falling in love with him. The fact that Ben (and all other Bachelors that have come before him, mind you) takes this proclamation at face value, not questioning for a moment the sincerity or probability of such a strong emotion forming in such a short period of time, only encourages the women to believe what they are saying is true. And then suddenly, one of them is engaged to a man that has never dated her monogamously, he rolls his eyes when she asks him to text her when he’ll be home, and suddenly their break-up is splashed across the covers of tabloid magazines.

But I’ll try and put my cynicism and smugness on the back burner for now. Ben is in Belize, where the culture is slower, and allows more time to reflect on his experience so far, and prepare for the journey ahead. Really? You haven’t found anytime in the past few weeks for reflection? The beaches of Puerto Rico were too fast-paced for you? Ben is also wearing a tank top while he is telling me this, so I am feeling particularly irked. The only time a man should be wearing just a tank top, is the ten seconds it takes to place a regular shirt over his undershirt. That’s my opinion, but I think we’d all be in a better place if it was shared universally. [Ed. Note: I feel strongly that a man's shirt should always be thick enough that there is no need to wear an undershirt beneath it, and therefore the only time a man should be wearing a tank top is if it is a beater and he is a sexy fireman. ~Maggie] Chris Harrison announces that while in Belize, there will be three intimate one-on-one dates and one group date. This added description of “intimate” turned out to be a bit superfluous, as the most intimate thing that happened on any of these dates was the likely wedgie Lindzi received when she jumped out of a helicopter into the ocean.  Before we get to the first date card (which arrived 2 minutes into the episode), Kacie B. confessed to the camera that she is as in love with Ben as she can get, which, even for this show, feels a bit early to plateau in a relationship.  Despite her eagerness, Kacie B. was not the first recipient of a one-on-one date, that honor, instead, went to Lindzi. No one took the news harder than Nicki, who tearfully told the camera, “Maybe I’m realizing its really real now.” Hopefully you’re realizing a couple of other things about yourself in this moment, Nicki. Lindzi’s date card read, “Two halves make a whole.” This reminded me of last week’s episode of 30 Rock when Liz and Criss go to Ikea and she finds him shopping in the Valentine’s Day section:

“Look salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, they make a heart!”

‘Take them apart…two, red sperms!”

Exactly, Liz Lemon. Exactly. Ben escorts Lindzi onto a fucking helicopter and I double-check my DVR to make sure I didn’t select last week’s episode. He takes her to the most special location in Belize, which to my surprise was not just…Belize. They arrived at the Blue Hole, an area of the ocean that is surrounded by coral reef—a popular locale for scuba divers and reality television show location scouts. The challenge portion of the date required Lindzi and Ben to jump out of the helicopter as it hovered above the Blue Hole. Now, I’m big on safety—I’m the girl who will push and shove my way into securing a seatbelt for myself when crammed in the backseat of a car with five or six other people—so I was alarmed to see neither of them were wearing a life jacket. Lindzi played the damsel in distress role surprisingly well (I had higher hopes for you, Lindzi), which only perpetuated the idea in Ben’s head that he is some sort all-knowing Brawny man. Lindzi summons the courage to jump, telling us, “He’s worth the fall!” Him? They jump, Lindzi draws a comparison to falling out of a helicopter and falling in love with Ben, and phase one of this date is complete. Back on land, all freshened up for an evening of love confessions, Lindzi and Ben walk along a dock until they come across an array of pillows, blankets, and candles. “Oh, is this us?” You really have to ask at this point? Lindzi tells Ben that she is really falling for him, which led to this conversation:

Ben:I feel like if we can continue down this path of every date getting better and better…….its great!

Lindzi: Yeah!

God, why won’t those two just get married already! Ben did not have a rose to offer Lindzi as roses are not allowed on the one-on-one dates this episode, but its safe to say he’ll keep her around for at least another week. They did jump out of a helicopter together, after all.

The next date card arrives in the lady room, and Courtney assures us that if it is not addressed to her, she may not accept a rose at the rose ceremony. I love when people promise me they might not do something. It sends a chill up my spine. Emily is invited on the second one-on-one date with a card that asks, “Do you Belize in love?” Not anymore I don’t. Ben greets Emily with two bicycles: “We’re going to ride some bikes through town. I have some other stuff planned, but we’re going to start with the bikes.” I have a sneaking suspicion that Ben is the kind of guy who explains why a joke is funny immediately after he tells it. Once they hit Town Square, they ditched the bikes and spent the rest of the day trying on rings and inviting themselves into a game of pick-up basketball. Americans are the best. Later, as they strolled the streets of Belize, Emily and Ben stumbled across a man down in the water, preparing fresh lobsters for dinner. His had already been assigned plates, so if they wanted to have lobster for dinner, they would have to dive in and capture two themselves. I was waiting for Ben to say something like, “If Emily is willing to capture a lobster, it shows me she’s willing to capture my heart.” But I think he was too distracted by those slippery little fellas making him look like an ass. After they successfully captured two, Emily and Ben sat down for dinner, where Ben posed “the hardest question of the night.” Is she ready for him to meet her family? Emily, flustered, can’t find the words to answer his question, so she begins by talking about Courtney. Perfect. Emily expresses her regret for the umpteenth time–how sorry she is for talking about Courtney (SO STOP), but how happy she is that she was able to really focus on Ben today. This is great, because it is such a huge step in a relationship to find peace with your boyfriend dating other people. Emily extends a formal invitation to Ben to come home and meet her family and Ben gives her the “maybe I will, maybe I won’t” look of a man who is drunk with power.

Back in the hotel room, the final one-on-one date card arrives and Courtney assures us that if her name is not on that invitation, she will NOT accept a rose at the rose ceremony. For real this time, you guys, seriously. Courtney is in fact the final recipient of a one-on-one date, and shows no signs of embarrassment for acting like a pouty baby up until the moment she got exactly what she wanted.  Kacie B. said it best, “It’s not because I’m jealous of her, it’s because she’s the shittiest person I’ve ever met in my LIFE.” Yes, that didn’t sound jealous or threatened in the least. On her way to meet Ben, Courtney tells us that this date will be really telling for her; where things are with Ben, etc. “I need more and he knows that.” And I need so much less of both of you. Ben and Courtney walk through the jungle until they come across the temple that they will be climbing in order to reach their picnic basket at the top. Once they get settled up there, Courtney immediately starts rambling to Ben about how hurt she was that he selected Emily for a one-on-one date when he knows how awful she has been to her, and if he hadn’t chosen her for the final date, she would have gone home, and gosh, she’s just doesn’t have that spark anymore! “I lost the spark babe!” You can see the panic in Ben’s eyes, “I’m starting to fall for this woman and maybe she’s not feeling the same way! I would be crushed!” When you read that sentence, don’t you hear his voice cracking? Me too. Ben pacifies Courtney’s doubts and fears by telling her how amazed he is that she’s been able to hang on and how hard it is for him to not be able to console her. If Courtney invited Ben into her house made of gingerbread, how long would it take her to convince Ben to climb into the oven? During dinner, Courtney continues to focus on the other girls and what wretches they are to live with. “From day one I’ve tried to be nice to everyone and get to know them…They’re so vanilla and they’re very into themselves…It’s exhausting when you don’t enjoy someone’s company and you have to spend every day with them.” That sounds like the attitude of the warm, generous person you’re looking for, Ben! Ben, oblivious to all the puppet strings Courtney has tied to him, decides he needs to back off his inquiries before he upsets her even more: “When I bring it up she gets really defensive and I don’t want to keep pushing it because I don’t want her to think that I’m attacking her.” Really? What happened to, “I suggest you try and focus on us. And tread lightly.” Is that not how we treat models? Only PhD students? Noted.

Finally it’s time for Kacie B., Rachel, and Nicki to go out on their group date with Ben. This time there will be a rose at stake, so everyone better be on their best behavior and hope that they’re Kacie B. because we already know, of the three, Ben likes her the most! Ben surprises the women by waking them up at the crack of dawn and telling them to get ready. There is a mad dash to shave armpits and legs, before throwing on a swim suit and meeting him down on the beach. Ben surprises me by wearing a tank top again, and I believe we’re up to three this episode. Seriously, I’d rather see you in a turtleneck. On today’s date, Ben will be escorting the ladies onto a boat where they will eventually swim with the sharks. I’m so tired of these outdoor challenges being used as some scale to determine how dedicated each woman is to Ben. If a man was like “Climb this mountain to prove that you can overcome any obstacle with me,” I’d be like, “I’ll do it for any other reason.” Rachel has a convenient fear of sharks and is able to steal most of Ben’s attention for this reason. Nicki and Kacie B. felt a bit of frustration over this development, which seemed silly to me, as Rachel is the most obvious contestant to go home this episode. After the shark adventure, the foursome came back to the hotel patio and Ben carved out some one-on-one time for each lady so that they could effectively confess they’re falling in love with him. Nicki seems most excited by this, telling us, “Not long after we got here I said the words “falling in love” without spazzing out…I’m falling in love with Ben and I told him that!” No, that was pretty spazzy Nicki. Kacie B. receives the rose (duh) and we move onto another “beware of Courtney” conversation, this time lead by Nicki. Ben looks legitimately concerned, but not concerned enough to actually do anything about it.

At the rose ceremony, most of the women have adopted a more somber tone, knowing that nearly half of them would be going home that night. Save Courtney, who insisted everyone relax and have a drink, “Ben is not the only guy in the world!” Not exactly traditional Bachelor talk, but Courtney is clearly not a rules girl. Chris Harrison arrives and tells the women there will not be a cocktail party this evening, Ben feels confident he has made his decision. As the women line up, Ben arrives and asks to speak to Courtney privately. As much as the producers wanted us to believe that Ben was strongly considering what the other women had said about Courtney, and he was genuinely checking in with her to see if she was in this competition for the right reasons, Ben was clearly just doing his due diligence here. She could have said, “I mean, I don’t know if you’re my type, but maybe that’s because Emily is so annoying!”, and he would have thought, “See! Everything is fine.” Courtney receives a rose, along with Nicki and Lindzi, and Rachel and Emily are sent packing. Rachel cries to the camera, “I feel very rejected. It’s another disappointment. I’m really tired of disappointment.” Well if that’s the case, I would like to retroactively advise you not to go on a show where you are competing against 25 women for one man. Emily holds it together pretty well, and I admire her for it. In fact, I imagine as Emily watches this season unfold at home, she is relieved that goon never made it to her parents’ house.

Next week we travel around the country to visit the four remaining contestants in their home towns! How soon into his visit will Lindzi get Ben up on a horse? What will Courtney say about Ben to her parents? How many times will Nicki cry when her divorce is brought up at the dinner table? Thanks to this late recap, we’re only two days from finding out!

@tfablog #howdoesthisworkagain?

Thanks For Asking is now on Twitter! So far we have one follower (it’s actually Maggie on her personal account) and have tweeted three things! All of which have been deleted because they all fell along the lines of “How does this work?” and “Am I doing this right?” and “How does our handle look when we do this?” It’s a slow going process. But we encourage you to follow us, even if you think Twitter is only good for passive aggressive celebrity feuds and keeping track of which Fashion Week shows Rachel Zoe is attending/running late for. I myself was tutored in Twitter for the first time tonight by Maggie. Although she has been on it for a few months now, it still felt a bit like the blind leading the blind. Every third question I had was met with a huffy, “I don’t know!” But we felt it time to increase our exposure, and offer even more pop culture perspective than we can provide in a blog setting. This should include live blogging of some of our favorite–or least favorite–shows, general musings, and re-tweeting every time Mindy Kaling shares a photo of her latest manicure. We love her style. It’s accessible yet totally enviable. So check us out! You can follow us here, or by searching for @thnxforasking. Hopefully there will be something to read by morning!

I’m not selling this very well, am I?

I'll also share a pic when I'm wearing something like this. But that's a given.

My Date With a Jehovah’s Witness: A Valentine’s Day Story

So, it’s Valentine’s Day. This is not a holiday that incites any strong feelings on my part, in one way or the other. I save my excitement for real holidays, like Christmas and the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day. And my resentment towards festivities that are only fun for couples is aimed at weddings (Just kidding! I love weddings! Didn’t you see my Pinterest board?)

But, I’ve been looking for an excuse to share the story of my greatest date with you guys, and I figured this heart-shaped holiday was as good a time as any. A few years ago, while out celebrating a friend’s birthday, I was approached by a gentleman at a bar. He cut to the chase, asked me out, and because I was flattered and have a hard time saying no to people, I said yes. Also, he was cute! Why wouldn’t I say yes!?

What happened over the course of the few hours we spent together was so awesomely weird, I had to share it with everyone I knew. So the next day I summed up the entire thing in a NYMag-style +/- index and sent it to my friends. Here is that email:

• He suggests going to the Reagle Beagle. -1 for the CTA ads like this that make it look like a hole-in-the wall grease pit. But +3 for it being a legitimately nice establishment.
• The place is empty: -1
• But they have half-price bottles of wine! +2
• He is not wearing the fedora he had on the night I met him +5. Instead, he is calmly attired in jeans and a t-shirt +1. But he is wearing that awful cologne that guys have that makes them smell like an Abercrombie store -1.
• Conversation is flowing smoothly. This isn’t so bad. +3
• Conversation hits a bumpy patch when he basically asks me to detail my entire dating history (how often I date, how many relationships I’ve had, how long they have lasted). Minus only 1 for the question, but -3 for him repeatedly insisting that I answer, after I politely, and then less politely, demurred.
• He has an interesting and respectable sounding job managing a computer system at a hospital. +2 And is starting a business/IT master’s program in the fall + 2. He also mentions, in a non-braggy way, that he got a job with a bank and they basically paid for him to go to college. So he must be smart +5.
• He explains a “business plan” to me that involves creating a social network that people pay to belong to. Huh? If people won’t pay to join Facebook, they won’t pay to join your sad start-up site. I was an English major, and even I know that. -3.
• At this point we are sitting at a high-top, alone at the front of the bar. Then two guys come in and sit down at the table right next to us. We are clearly on a first date, and therefore I am mortified. No points awarded or deducted. Just awful.
• While turning my head to get something out of my purse (Chapstick?), I see him lean over and put something down in front of me. What are these? Business cards? (-1, because no one likes a braggy show.) Playing cards? Is he going to do a magic trick? (-1, because no one likes David Copperfield.) Oh no, it is so much worse. He has handed me a stack of about ten cards that are the size of business cards. They are laminated. Each card says something different. He asks me to pick the card that best describes how I am feeling about the date at this point. Some of my options are:
  • You seem interesting
  • Lame
  • The chance that I will go on a second date with you is 80%…and rising
  • I’m not listening to anything you’re saying because all I can think about is covering you in chocolate M&Ms
  • The chance I will go on a second date with you is 50%…and dropping
  • You have the looks and personality of the Greek god Zeus
• WHAT!?!?! -20.
• I pick the Zeus card. I don’t know what else to do. He seems genuinely flattered, which is kind of cute. +3
• He causally mentions that he used to be a Jehovah’s Witness (-8), but he left that awhile ago (+4).
• Because he was forced to go door-to-door selling religion as a child, he has developed a very friendly personality that draws people to him +4. This allows him to go out by himself, and still be able to meet people. + 2, because that’s a good character trait, but -1 because it’s also weird. And -3 for my realization that he was probably by himself when I met him. At a bar. On a Saturday night.
• Oh my god, the cards are back. -20
• This time I pick the one that says “This is fun, but don’t order another drink because I’m going to leave soon.” He takes it pretty well. +1
• The bill comes. He laughs off my attempt to pay. +3
• I hail a cab and he gives the cab driver money. Swoon. Also, +5

I realize the fact that I compiled this pro-con list may make me sound like a judgmental wench, but I think I gave him a pretty fair grade. He was very sweet, and a gentleman, but even this couldn’t save him from from the awfulness of the date rate cards (which, to be clear, he made himself).

Can you top this? Because there is nothing I love more than bad date stories. Leave yours in the comments section-this will be so fun!

Pop Culture Weekend Recap: We’ve Had a Death In Our Family

I took a trip up north to the suburbs this weekend to babysit for the kids I used to nanny for full-time. I still sign-up for the occasional weekend gig with them because, one, I nannied these children for three years and I like to carve out time from my busy life to nourish the relationships I built, and two, every four to six days I find myself broke as jokes and the supplemental income helps a great deal. I was also lead to believe I would be receiving the Girl Scout cookies I ordered from the oldest and was sorely disappointed to learn they did not have time to pick up the orders that day. I recovered from the loss by eating deep dish pizza last night, so, don’t worry you guys. I generally try to avoid being on or near my phone while babysitting because in the past when I’ve had it out and about, the kids fight over it and it comes back to me with so many grimy fingerprints on it, I start to resent them and, well, it’s just a situation worth avoiding. So after I put them to bed on Saturday, I came downstairs and discovered six missed calls, two voicemails, and a single text message from my friend Meg. “Whitney Houston died?!?!?” I immediately flipped on the television and was met with commercials on every news network I could find. AT A TIME LIKE THIS?! Shortly thereafter, the news returned and there, in bold, block letters at the bottom of the screen, was the sad confirmation I was seeking: Whitney Houston was dead. By the way, the six missed calls were all from my boyfriend who was not taking the news well. He really loves The Bodyguard.

Now, what many of you do not know is that I have an oddly emotional reaction to celebrity deaths. And I’m not exactly a sappy or sentimental person. Those who claim to cry at Hallmark commercials are like my least favorite people. But I’ll never forget when I was at my aunt and uncle’s lake house for our annual family reunion and opened the paper to discover Tim Russert had died. Or when I was in high school and learned of John Ritter’s death. I was left with this sadness that felt disproportionate to how I regarded these celebrities when they were alive. I certainly wasn’t an active 8 Simple Rules fan. I could count on one hand the number of times I had watched Meet The Press, but for some reason it really got to me, that these pop culture personalities, faces that flashed in and out of our lives as quickly as we could change the channel, had left our world too soon. No one understands this more than Meg, who was with me when I found out Bernie Mac died. In fact, she knows me so well I think she has developed an unspoken competition to be the first one to tell me when a celebrity dies, and then inevitably makes a Tim Russert reference which just gets me all riled up.

With confirmation that Whitney had died, I changed the channel and avoided the 24-hour news cycle for the rest of the evening. I have a general disdain for the way cable networks handle breaking news. The way they begin spewing information before they even gather it, “Whitney Houston has di—hold on guys, my producers are telling me something. Sorry for stopping in the middle of a sentence. Ok great! We’re actually going to go to Kim now who has more information on the story. Kim? Kim, hello? Kim are you there? Alright well I guess I’ll keep mov….YES I’M HERE! HELLO!” I mean, Christ. But even worse is the way they wallpaper their programming with images of the fallen star, sewing together every piece of stock footage that returned in an archive search of “Whitney Houston.” I have an averse reaction to this style of journalism, as I find it insincere and reactionary in a way that is not at all professional or informative. I think cable media could realize a more credible practice by simply asking, “How would Jim Lehrer handle this story?”

Through all the confusion and unanswered questions that came out of this tragedy, one thing was certain. The Grammys would be airing the following night. I’m sorry, this may sound a bit callous, but is there a better time for a music superstar to die suddenly than the night before the Grammys? I don’t think that broadcast ever went more than 60 seconds without mentioning Whitney Houston’s name and the tragedy that befell her the night before. Just as Whitney would have wanted. Host LL Cool J welcomed the artists gathered together at the Staples Center last night–industry legends, influential new artists, and Snooki—before growing sullen, announcing that there is no way around what he must address. “We’ve had a death in our family.” And in that moment, I have never wanted to be a part of LL Cool J’s family more in my life. He said it with so much love, with so much understanding of what people were going through that night. God, can you imagine if Taylor Swift had been hosting? She probably would have started singing that song she wrote about Kanye West being mean to her.  LL Cool J led the arena in a prayer–not a bow your heads for a moment of silence prayer, but a for real, “Heavenly Father we thank you…” prayer–before treating us to a clip of Whitney’s 1994 Grammy performance of “I Will Always Love You.” Sometimes I forget the magnitude of her talent, since, in the last decade, she has become more of a punch line and less of an icon, but in light of her death, we choose to focus on the good–the unequivocal beauty of that voice we came to cherish so deeply.

I only watched about an hour and a half of the broadcast before turning on Moneyball, which, by the way, Jonah Hill? You carry that “Academy Award Nominee” title with pride, my friend! That was not some Jennifer Hudson “since when do we hand out Oscars for singing well?” bullshit. That was a fine performance and I hope you continue in this direction. Fantastic. But I was relieved to hear that a soulful, inspirational, stupidly talented diva like Adele won the night. Because wouldn’t it be just the worst to think that on music’s biggest night, we came together to honor and say goodbye to a talent like Whitney Houston, and then gave Bruno Mars a Grammy for Best anything? That would have been tragic.

Pinterest: A Love/Hate Story

Did you guys hear the big news this week? Pinterest hit 10 million U.S. monthly unique visitors in nine months. Which makes it the fastest growing standalone website. Ever.

For the unfamiliar, Pinterest is an image sharing website where you can save images from anywhere all in once place, and can organize your pictures (or “pins”) on different boards. When I first signed up for the site last March (or rather, when they deigned to accept my request to join), Pinterest had a decidedly design-heavy slant. For instance, I used it to keep track of images of different types of wallpaper that I would one day like to use in my powder room. (Reality, and the fact that I am 5 to 10 years from living in a place with a powder room that I am allowed to wallpaper, is not really an issue at play here.) However, as the site’s popularity soared and more and more people joined, the flavor shifted from design and style to, well, pretty pictures. Pretty pictures of babies. Pretty pictures of cupcakes. Pretty pictures of braided hair. Pinterest has turned into such a lady cliche, I can hardly stand it. Going to the site feels like going to a scrapbooking convention-you get the sense that you are surrounded by a lot of crafty DIY types who would happily spend four hours making a chandelier out of old Christmas ornaments. I still enjoy the site, and continue to use it to pin countless variations on the all-white bedding that I want. (And that I will never be allowed to have, because I am the clumsiest person alive, and as soon as I had all white bedding I would probably manage to spill coffee, Diet Coke and red wine on it all at once.) But it is impossible to not acknowledge how ridiculous Pinterest has become. One woman I follow has an entire board dedicated to pictures of petit fours.

Herewith, I present what I have deduced as the top five category trends on Pinterest.

1. Wedding Inspirations

Pinterest’s bread and butter seems, inarguably, to be as a site where women can organize their wedding inspiration photos. For those who are actually engaged, this is an understandable and acceptable way to keep track of your ideas. Those of us who are not engaged have to get a little more creative, so that it is not immediately clear to all of our followers that we are very much putting the cart before the horse and planning a wedding even though no one has  expressed any interest in actually marrying us. My board for this creepy behavior is called Tablescapes. Because technically, I could throw a party with beautiful place settings and lush floral arrangements at any time. Like, I just pinned this picture because I like the candles. No big deal.

Pretty subtle, no?

2. Animals and Babies

Pinterest users also love pictures of babies and animals doing seasonally appropriate, adorable things. In the fall it would not be unlikely to find a picture of kittens inside of a pumpkin resting on a bucket of apples, which was itself on an autumnal pile of leaves. Or this one, for the winter holiday season:

Why would you put your baby in a jar!? Come on, people.

 3. Closets

Pinterest is, on the whole, a site for wishful thinking. People pin pictures of sprawling plantation-style homes with giant wrap around porches and label them things like “A porch I would like to have someday.” (Me. I did this). And, well, good f’ing luck with that. But nowhere is this “Dream Big” mentality more evident than in the pictures people post of closets. I don’t know anyone who is so wealthy that they have the extra space and money to convert an entire room into a glamourous closet/sitting room/beauty parlor/speakeasy (seriously, the way they decorate these rooms you would think ladies are having cocktail parties in there). But these kinds of pictures are all over Pinterest. In fact this is one of the top ten most popular pins from the site:

A girl can dream.

4. Desserts

Xojane.com already wrote an article addressing this issue, but there seems to be some sort of unspoken rule among Pinterest users that you cannot post a picture of a dessert unless it is actually three separate desserts that have been forced to mate and create one brave new dessert. For example, here someone has taken popsicles, brownies and cupcakes, all delicious treats that can stand on their own two feet, and made this:

It’s hard to spend any time on Pinterest and not wonder “Who has time for this?”

5. Words of Inspiration

Lastly, people take Pinterest’s function as way to organize inspiration pretty literally; there are always tons of pictures of motivational words, phrases and sayings. You know how at least half of the girls you knew in college had “Live. Laugh. Love” in the bottom of their AIM profile? And then AIM went away? Well, this is where women come to get that same instinct for cheesiness and cliche out of their system.

That’s right, girl! Just because he stopped calling doesn’t mean he wasn’t loving you with all he had.

Finally, lest you think I’m a total crankpot, please enjoy this hilarious picture of two hamsters. I’m embarrassed to tell you how long I laughed over this:

Bachelor Recap: I Think…Maybe I Need Therapy

This week The Bachelor took us to Panama City, Panama for however many days it takes Ben to decipher which three women he would like to send packing. Realistically, I think Ben could have executed this decision at the airport, and then spent his time actually enjoying the culture and beauty of this Central American country with women he regards as wife-worthy. But however many salsa lessons he wants to take before realizing a 34 year old VIP cocktail waitress is not for him, I say go after it. And so began their stay, with 9 women gathering in the lobby of a Panama City hotel, anticipating the arrival of the first date card. This must be such an ego trip for Ben, to simply walk into a room and have a gaggle of girls receiving his entrance with such over-the-top fawning. He’s wearing flip-flops, you guys.

Kacie B. was the lucky recipient this time around, much to the dismay of Blakely who thought her pronouncement to Ben at last week’s rose ceremony that he is changing her life and she’s not afraid anymore!, would secure her some one-on-one time. The date card requested Kacie B. bring along three items. I tried to think what I would bring, should I find myself under similar instruction. For sure booze. Probably a bottle of wine. Do cheese, crackers, and salami count as one thing? Lets say, yes. And sunscreen. I’ve gotten a sunburn riding in a car so I have to take a lot of precautions. Also, none of these things are to share, correct? Ben picked Kacie B. up at the hotel and took her around back for, what else, a helicopter ride. Could the repetitive nature of these dates make a girl feel any less special? Its like when two girls find out they’re dating the same guy and one says, “And then he told me I’m the first woman he’s ever met who he would consider settling down for!” and the other girl says, “He said the same thing to me two months ago!” And then they scheme to contaminate his body wash so that his pubic hair falls out. Except with The Bachelor contestants, these women have signed up for this kind of treatment, so they just spend their time together drinking wine, trying not to think too hard about their self-worth. Anyway, Kacie B. and Ben enjoy a nice helicopter tour of Panama City, before landing on a deserted island. Where their ability to survive TOGETHER would be put to the test. Kacie presents Ben with the three items she selected: a lime green stuffed monkey, a Swiss army knife, and a bag of candy. This seems like an opportune time for me to note how much I loathe adults who give and/or enthusiastically receive stuffed animals. Seriously, if I were ever gifted with a teddy bear on Valentine’s Day, it would be grounds for dismissal. What do you want me to do with that? Ben presented Kacie with his own items: a machete, a fishing net, and matches. Let it be known that I had to rewind three times in order to write down what he was saying. He kept pronouncing fishing net, “fchknytnnehhight.” Just say it normal! This isn’t the time to be schticky!

It was the ultimate metaphor date, where just about everything those two did together, they compared to the challenges of a real-life relationship. Here, a smattering:

• Sometimes couples don’t survive when it’s the two of them alone.
• Relationships are all about overcoming obstacles and fears together, and overcoming hurdles.
• It all depends on partnership.
• If we can do this today, we can do just about anything.
• Watching Ben cut into a coconut is so hot.

In what reality are you living in when you think hanging out on the beach and making dinner for each other is the ultimate relationship test? I am not having this. Why don’t you simulate both of you losing your jobs and then taking a second mortgage out on your home so that your child can continue with her private ice skating lessons? That’s a test. At their real dinner later that night (apparently one small fish grilled in aluminum foil was not enough to sate them), Kacie B. told Ben that she is really looking forward to experiencing the day-to-day stuff with him. Like going to the grocery store, and exercising, and cooking. Ben’s non-reaction to this implied that he had let his mind wander to images of a nude Courtney frolicking in the ocean. And if you really want to know what life with Ben will be like after the show, Kacie B., that right there is a great example. Kacie B. reveals she had an eating disorder in high school and receives a rose. Because lord knows you can’t advance in this competition without revealing extremely personal details from your past to the man you’ve known a few weeks. “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic!” What scale is she using?

At the hotel, the group date card arrives and Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie are all invited to meet Ben on the bank of a river for a day of fun with the natives! I’m sure it will be a real immersion process for all of them. The women head down to the Chagres River, where Ben awaits them in a really long motorboat. “I don’t necessarily look for a woman who wants to ride on a jungle river. What I do look for is someone who can go with the flow.” Like a river. My patience is wearing so thin. As they travel along, they spot a group of young children playing soccer and realize there may be more to this country than just the green boat they’re sitting in. Nicki tells us, “We kind of stumbled across this village!” which is hilarious because you don’t stumble across anything on The Bachelor. I wouldn’t even be surprised to learn the village was half comprised of extras from LA in order to fill out the shot. The women of the village offer our ladies native garb to wear–beaded tops that are traditionally worn without anything underneath and sarong-style mini skirts. While most of them make the prudish choice to keep their bathing suits on under the loosely threaded beads, Courtney adopts a “when in Rome” attitude, and we are forced to sit through 20 minutes of Courtney raising her arms above her head and shaking her chest at the camera. In case any of you were wondering if Courtney is a woman of many inhibitions, she is not. Throughout the group date, Courtney kept doing that annoying girl thing where she acts surprised that other women are intimidated or turned off by her sexually aggressive approach. Courtney criticizes the other women for not trying hard enough and making it too easy for her to get alone time with Ben. This reminds me of my experience rushing a sorority, when I went into what was considered one of the top houses and I had to sit in a room with members of the sorority and other potential new members, and have a conversation that would determine if we were worthy of their taste. One girl dominated the conversation, fawning over everything the members did and said: “Ohmygod these pretzels are so good, where did you get them? You remind me of a skinnier Jessica Simpson.” It was exhausting and I thought if she wants it so badly, I am happy to bow out and let her shine. I just couldn’t muster the energy to compete. So, maybe, Courtney, it wasn’t that the women didn’t know how to trump your skills, it was that they found them so exhausting, they simply didn’t want to try. Would you want to lower yourself to finding a tactic more obvious than painting on Ben’s back “B + C = <3”? No, you would not.

Later that evening, during the networking portion of the group date, everyone was on high alert for Ben’s attentions and affections. Emily continued her back peddling and assured Ben for the third time that she is no longer distracted by Courtney and her antics. She also made a cheeky joke about how there is a new man in her life and it’s pretty serious and it’s the tribe’s chief! And it’s funny because she’s not really interested in a portly, loin-clothed man. They kiss like two junior high kids matched up in a game of spin the bottle, and Emily has officially redeemed herself. In a brilliant display of manipulation, Courtney fusses to Ben how she’s starting to lose sight of their passion, and special moments like the skinny-dipping night are slipping from her memory. Which is funny because she has told the camera multiple times this episode how confident she feels about Ben, for no other reason than he’s seen her naked. But Courtney knows that if she tells Ben her interest in him is fading, he’ll snatch her back by practically begging her to take the group date rose. WELL NOT THIS TIME! Ben in fact offers Lindzi the rose and Courtney is left to stew in her insecurities just like the rest of them. Before moving on, I should mention that poor Jamie finally took a swing at getting to know Ben on this date and it was disastrous. It was like she gathered every private thought she has had since she turned seventeen and shared it with Ben, in under four minutes. Way to hold your cards close to the vest, Jamie. Things are not going well.

Next up on Ben’s Panama City itinerary was the infamous two-on-one date. This is when Ben takes two women out on a date, and will have to choose one to send home by the end. This would only make good TV if he selected two women who we knew would actually force a tough, climactic decision. Like Kacie B. and Courtney. But to choose Rachel and Blakeley just means one will go home that night, and he’ll send the other home next week. Not exactly a game changer. The date began with salsa lessons, where Blakely and Rachel changed into the same dresses worn by Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. Blakely proclaimed that she was the essence of salsa dancing, very sexual and very sensual, and so for her, the competition was in the bag. Note to readers: anytime a reality show edits footage to show one contestant assuming her victory, it means she is going to lose. It’s like the reverse psychology parents use on toddlers. After the dancing lessons concluded, the three sat down for dinner, interrupted almost immediately by Ben, who invited each woman to step outside with him and prove their love. Rachel did this with kissing and a baby voice, while Blakely offered Ben a scrapbook detailing the history of their “relationship.” I hope in the The Bachelor: The Women Tell All special, the producers release never-before-seen footage of Blakely putting this thing together. It looked like the collages I made in middle school with magazine cutouts of skittles, the word “teen,” and James Van Der Beek. Blakely was sent home (which I have already indicated twice in this post, so I don’t need to go into detail), and her exit was juxtaposed with b-roll footage of a homeless cat roaming the streets of Panama City.  How I would hate to be that cat.

With all of the dates finally out of the way, we were treated to the story behind the Casey S. meltdown we had been teased with in last week’s previews. Here’s the thing. This whole scenario was so ridiculous and I have been working on this recap over the course of three days, so I’m just going to cut to the chase. Chris Harrison pulls Casey S. outside and tells her he has received multiple confirmations that she has a boyfriend back at home. According to Casey S., she does NOT have a boyfriend at home…but there is a man she wishes was her boyfriend as she is madly in love with him and the only reason she’s not with him is because he refuses to marry her. Healthy! Chris Harrison takes Casey S. up to Ben’s room so that she may confess her sins. Ben listens to her sob story, and then tells her, “I don’t sugar coat things. I think you should go home.” Ouch. It’s getting a bit prickly down there in Central America, eh Ben? Chris Harrison escorts Casey S. out of the room and tells her she’s not a bad person–everyone wants to find love! And then she began to cry so hard, upon seeing this same scene last week in the previews, I actually thought a relative had died. “I still have to go, and that other guy doesn’t want me either!” Yes. This is what we call a lose-lose-lose situation. Because your current “boyfriend” dumped you for liking your old boyfriend, who also doesn’t want to be with you, and it all played out on national television. My thoughts go out to you and your family during this difficult time.

So off she goes, and we arrive at the rose ceremony with only seven women left in the competition. I can see the light! Jamie, still on a quest to make up for lost time, pulls Ben aside and tells him she’s ready to start being more aggressive with their relationship. You’ve been warned, Ben.

Here, a taste of what it sounds like when Jamie decides to become proactive, and woo Ben with her sexuality:

I feel as if, um, I haven’t really shown you I like, I feel like I tell you all the time. But I don’t show you! I think about you often and things I’d like to do with you. I had really big plans. Want me to show you? My intention was to be like “Ben I have a really big surprise for you!” And then I was going to sit on your lap. And then I was going to ruin my dress! I don’t know. I feel like I don’t want to be that fancy with someone…unless I really like him…I could get fancier. Ahh I can’t stop laughing!

Ben tries to calm her down by offering to kiss her, and from there it only got worse. Again, here’s Jamie:

Ok mouth open, now mouth closed. No, now your mouth should be closed. Closed! Closed! Closed!

It was so painful I almost had to leave the couch and go outside for fresh air. The poor girl just needed to take a breath and remind herself that chemistry means there is a natural bond between the two of you, and if you have to take a man through step-by-step instructions on how to kiss you, it’s not meant to be.

As if we even needed the pomp and circumstance of a rose ceremony, Ben hands out each rose, until Jamie is the only one left standing empty handed. He escorts her to her limo, and to be honest, by this point, I had stopped listening. When Ben abruptly stops kissing you and tells you he just can’t take it anymore, the episode is over.

Next week they head to Belize and Ben pulls Courtney aside for a confrontation during the rose ceremony! Probably to tell her how beautiful and model-y she looks. Leave any observations, issues, predictions I may have missed in the comments section!

Super Bowl Half-Time Show Recap: One Step Closer to World Peace

In a follow-up to Maggie’s post yesterday, I would like to say that I did watch the Super Bowl last night. But she was correct in her assertion that she and I value professional sports as much as we value reality programming centered on the travails of little people. Which is to say, very…little. It was probably the longest a football game has ever been on in my apartment. But I quickly jump on the bandwagon for any event that encourages consuming a variety of dips while watching it. My roommate and I invited a few friends over and I put myself in charge of making guacamole and bleu cheeseburger sliders. When it comes to potluck style parties, I generally volunteer to make whatever it is I’m craving that day, and considering I have a craving for guacamole at least 3 out of 7 days a week, that was an easy go-to for me. The sliders I had never made before but it felt like an important protein contribution for a menu that was shaping up to be mainly chips.

I went to the grocery store after my 9 am spinning class (I include that only so my efforts are validated), and was disappointed to discover that they did not have any slider-sized buns. I know that these exist. Strangely, the only place I’ve ever been able to find them is Target. So to all those small businesses that complain about how big box stores are destroying local commerce, maybe you should reevaluate your inventory and provide the community with what it needs. Just saying. I’m someone who has a hard time deviating from a shopping list, so when I can’t find something I need I tend to just stand in the aisle with my shoulders slumped. Yesterday I was with my boyfriend, who has a glass half-full sensibility about him, and he suggested I buy regular buns and cut them into the shape I needed. I countered that suggestion with staring at the mini bagels hoping they would magically turn into mini hamburger buns. I left the store with two packages of regular buns and a chip on my shoulder, but hours later, as I was preparing all of my ingredients, I announced, “I think I’ll just cut the buns!” He has to be so, so patient.

The evening was a success–marked by the veggie platter being the most untouched offering on the table. Not to say it wasn’t delicious. My friend Lara created a lovely and colorful spread, but eating vegetables on Super Bowl Sunday is like exercising on vacation. Don’t be ridiculous.

The game itself was a solid four hours of average entertainment. From what I could tell, The Patriots and the Giants have the same colors, so it kind of felt like watching America vs. America [ed. note. My friend Meg made this same joke last night, and I forgot! I am not a fan of joke stealing so I would like to offer credit now. Hi Meg!]. The last five minutes of the game had some excitement behind it, which as a non-fan, is all I can really hope for. I liked when that guy scored a touchdown by kind of falling into a seated position in the end zone—the same way I get from a chair to the floor when I have to play a board game with a child or something. Other than that, all I really want to talk about is the Madonna half-time show. Because if I know anything about the Super Bowl, and I don’t, it is that when the field is covered with male models dressed in Trojan costumes, carrying Madonna who is dressed like the Pharoh from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, the game itself is just the opening act.

There has been a lot of talk in the papers and the interwebs today discussing whether or not Madonna’s performance was a success last night. Lucky for you, you’re reading about this on Thanks For Asking where personal opinion is interpreted as fact, and I am here to tell you that it was the most fantastic combination of underrehearsed and overproduced I have ever seen in my life. Before I go into detail, I would just like to say upfront that I have absolutely no issue with the paradox of Madonna’s age and her agility. A lot of people were hating on her today for being 53 and still dancing so enthusiastically with her crotch, but I frankly admire her for having so much strength and energy.

Because you know what’s worse than a woman in her 50s who’s still got it? A woman in her 20s who lost it. So be grateful.

But no matter how well Madonna can pull off leather, she still fell flat when it came to putting together a successful and comprehensible show. Here is a list of noted complaints. I have included a video of the performance, and time marks so everyone at home can follow along!

• The sound (throughout). It was like a fan in one of the skyboxes was playing a Madonna CD from his boom box at half-volume, and then down below you had Madonna trying to sing along. The lip-syncing was so painstakingly obvious, I felt like muting the television and playing my own music, just so I didn’t have to hear her pretend to remember the lyrics to “Hey Mr. DJ.”
• The bleacher fail (3:27). Here Madonna attempted to climb up onto a bleacher in her insanely high leather boots, and fell right back down again. Can you imagine how troubling this scenario would have been if she was simultaneously responsible for singing? Yeesh.
• The assisted acrobatics (5:45). I have already made it clear that I support Madonna, at 53 years young, doing whatever that insane body of hers is capable of doing. But performing dance stunts outside of her wheelhouse on a public stage, makes me so uncomfortable, I would rather close my eyes and play Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away over and over again in my head.
• The pom pom dancing (6:17). The way she crossed downstage with that gallop-skip, while shaking her pom poms, was so hokey and uncoordinated, it was like watching a spoof of a Toni Basil music video.
• Cee Lo’s sparkly black robe (10:33). His presence in general felt like nothing more than shameless promotion for The Voice on NBC’s behalf. But on top of that, they dressed him in a Boystown’s makeover of a Darth Vader costume.
• The “Like A Prayer” choir (10:27). Not to say I wouldn’t kill to be a part of it, but it felt a little first come, first serve. Like a school bus went around the suburbs of Indianapolis and asked anyone who liked to sing and knew the lyrics to the song to come on board. Here’s a robe! We found one woman to resemble Meredith from The Office, with shorter hair.
• The final message (12:35). After Madonna hit her last note of “Like a Prayer,” the camera panned over the field to reveal in gold, glittery lights, “WORLD PEACE.” This would be like if, at my birthday party, I put together a slideshow of pictures of myself on tropical vacations, and then concluded it with the message, “FIGHT AIDS.” It’s a bit unaware, no?

I’m late to start watching The Bachelor and that left over guacamole is calling my name! Leave any additional observations in the comments below!

Things I Do When I’m Not watching the Super Bowl

Anyone with basic reading comprehension skills would probably quickly gather from this blog that my sister and I do not have a great interest in sports and their workings. My concern with most professional sporting endeavors extends only to what kind of food and drink I can acceptably consume during game time. Therefore, if forced to choose a favorite sport (and I can’t pick something fun, like ice skating) I would go with baseball, because what kind of prickly agoraphobe does not enjoy sitting outside in the summer with a hot dog and a beer? Likewise, you would think the Super Bowl would be high on my list since, as far as I can tell, it is just a thinly veiled excuse to have a junk food party. However, due to the fact that I am suffering from an epic case of bottle flu today, I opted to stay home. Also, up until this week I thought the game was between the New England Patriots and the San Francisco Giants. Which, nope, that’s not it.

Last night I attended a concert at the House of Blues, which unexpectedly turned out to be a performance by a Sublime cover band. Something I didn’t know until last night is that I am a huge fan of Sublime. In my excited state I ended up taking a number of over priced cocktails to the face, and when I woke up this morning my teeth felt like they had been marinating in gin. This set the stage for a spectacularly unproductive day, in which I managed to leave my apartment complex only once and never quite reached the “change out of my pajamas” milestone. But man, did I get a lot of television watching done. I present, without exaggeration, a summary of everything I watched today.

• 30 Rock (3 episodes)
• Jersey Shore (2 episodes)
• Friday Night Lights (4 episodes)
• Sex and the City (3.5 episodes? Maybe? Not really sure, as this was mainly background noise while my friends and I enjoyed some Taco Bell.)
• Glee (1 episode. Side rant: I would like to abolish the “high schoolers proposing to each other” as an acceptable dramatic plot development. These kids live in suburban Ohio, not backwoods Kentucky or some weird Amish community. They have nice, normal families. This shit would not fly.)
• Downton Abbey (1 episode)

That is so much TV. I’ve seriously been horizontal for 90% of the day. I hope you all enjoyed your respective Sundays. How was the Super Bowl? What awesome commercials did I miss? And how terrifying did Madonna’s arms look during half time?

Bachelor Recap: That For Me Was Rad. SO Rad.

It’s been four days since this week’s episode of The Bachelor has aired, and while many of you have probably moved onto bigger and better things, (like revving up for the Super Bowl? Eh.), I just couldn’t bare the thought of passing up an opportunity to share my opinion on Courtney skinny-dipping and Kacie B.’s Puerto Rico hair. I ended up having to watch the episode over two nights, Monday and Wednesday, due to exhaustion on Monday and a babysitting gig on Tuesday that left me with a bout of PTSD that’s only cure was an episode of Dance Moms and eating salami. So here we are! Friday! The weekend! Let’s get to it. Quickly, before the next episode airs.

This week, the women arrived safely in Puerto Rico, albeit a tad frizzy, and were informed by a svelte looking Chris Harrison that all of the women would be going on dates this week. Everyone was giddy over the good news, but no one more so than Elyse. If it is any indication how little I have paid attention to Elyse the Trainer this season, it wasn’t until this episode that I realized she had never had a date with Ben. Which, how are you even still around then? How do you keep getting a rose when the only time Ben sees you is at the rose ceremony when you’re dressed like Snooki on the red carpet. But then again, I’m not Ben, and Ben’s not me.

This week’s first recipient of a one-on-one date was Nicki, who responded to the invitation as if the guys from Publisher’s Clearing House had just shown up on her stoop. When Ben came to the hotel to scoop her up for the Puerto Rican day of fun he had planned, outside waiting to whisk them away was–surprise!–a helicopter. Helicopter rides on this show are as much a staple as crane shots from a top a mountain. The producers just don’t know how to piece a storyline together without them. As much as I enjoy couples pointing out beautiful landscapes to each other, and commenting on how beautiful they are, this is one date I could stand to see shelved for a few seasons. When Nicki and Ben arrived in Puerto Rico, the rain started coming down in sheets, which gave Ben another opportunity to reach into the bowels of his metaphorically challenged brain and compare their current circumstances to life, where things don’t always work out, but you can’t let anything (like rain?) rain on your parade! Blegh. After getting drenched in the life rain, Ben and Nicki stopped by a local clothier to pick up some dry threads. Nicki found something fun and colorful and Ben decided to dress up like an extra from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. To each his own. They strolled the streets of Puerto Rico, and eventually came across a church where a wedding was taking place. Hmm, and what do you think about marriage Nicki and Ben? Well for Ben, “Being married…is very different than being engaged.” Uh huh, uh huh. Nicki? “When I do it again, I want it to be the real deal.” Well that settles it. You seem to be on the same page. You have one legitimate date under your belt. You’re ready! Maybe you can just hijack that wedding you’ve been creeping on for the last 15 minutes. Come on! One of you is already donned in virgin white.

Nicki receives a rose and we avoid her nervous energy/anxiety-crying at the rose ceremony. Thank heavens.

Back at the homestead, the group date card arrives and everyone is on it except Elyse! Which means Elyse gets the final one-on-one date! Unfortunately, she is not aware of the fact that statistics show the bachelor always sends home a girl directly after a one-on-one date at least once a season. In fact, I suspect the producers encourage the bachelor to select a girl he knows he is no longer interested in and take her on the doomed excursion just so they can include the shot of the production assistant removing the rejected woman’s suitcase from the suite in the season preview package. Headed out on the group date this week are Blakely, Casey S., Courtney, Emily, Jamie, Jennifer, Kacie B., Lindzi, and Rachel. How are there still so many people left? They meet up with Ben at a baseball field, as Puerto Rico is the hub for America’s favorite pastime. It suddenly makes including Puerto Rico in the Miss America pageant feel legitimate. After an hour or so of playing ball in hot pants, Chris Harrison arrived on the field for a twist! The ladies would be competing to stay on the group date in a game of softball, four against four with one MVP who would be selected by Ben to play for both teams. Too bad Monica isn’t still around. Count it! Lindzi is selected, despite the task at hand not requiring an enthusiasm for horses. What was meant to be a two-inning game turns into a five-inning nail-biter, with the blue team eventually losing and Blakely losing her shit. In fairness to Blakely, she was the only one out there who appeared to have any athletic coordination and to be held back by a bunch of sissies who don’t look nearly as good with their shirts tucked into their bras would be extraordinarily frustrating. Like how every teammate I ever had probably felt about me.

During the second part of the group date, Ben was left with five women, while the losing four headed home on a school bus. Ouch. The only time you want to be on a school bus as an adult is if you’re headed to a college barn dance, or volunteering to chaperone your child’s field trip (and even the latter sounds terrible). Once they arrived at the generic seating area (this time with an ocean view), Ben stole Kacie B. away for some private hammock time. This was when I first noticed that Kacie’s hair was having an unfortunate reaction to the Puerto Rican air. Her perfectly styled locks were no match for the humidity, as they recoiled into an infinite amount of teeny-tight curls. I like a girl who rocks an au natural look in the company of men, so good for Kacie B. She even got the lucrative group date rose, which just goes to show ladies, if you show a man who you really are, rock a Nashville accent, and seem a little needy, love is waiting for you just around the corner. Model Courtney insisted she wasn’t bothered by Kacie B.’s victory, and to prove it she took the not-so-desperate measure of inviting Ben to a naked romp in the ocean. Ben took a rain check because he’s a vagina, and escorted Courtney back to the group.

The next day, Elyse received her date card: “Let’s find somewhere private.” That one I did not make up. Sometimes the real invitations are worth sharing. This one sounds so unromantic to me, it might as well have said, “Can I see you in the other room? This isn’t working.” Ben arrived to pick up Elyse and then took her around back to show her the yacht on which they would be traveling that day. Now would be a good time to note that yachts, and jumping off of them, is right up there with helicopters on my list of Bachelor date ideas that need to be retired. #firstworldproblems  As Elyse and Ben climbed aboard, we cut to an interview with Courtney who said in her Paris Hilton voice, “I’m not worried. I was thinking, ‘I might not see her later. I should get her number. I could use a personal trainer.’” I actually found this quip genuinely funny, and probably the only time during the season Courtney and I will see eye to eye on something. Over on the yacht, Ben told the cameras that it was when he and Ashley were on a boat that he realized he was in love with her, so he believes feelings can really change on the water. That’s foreshadowing if I’ve ever heard it! Sure feelings can change. For the worst! Ben and Elyse accomplished everything one can on a yacht, what with sitting on it and jumping off of it (what is this? Your uncle’s speed boat?), and so it wasn’t long before they were back on land at a private dinner on a private island so they could get to know each other better in private. Ben, looking like a shipwrecked waiter in his tuxedo, slowly started to reveal his true colors as he tried to manipulate everything Elyse was saying into a reason to break up with her.

Elyse: I think I’ve accomplished everything I want to in my adult life.

Ben (with disgust): You HAVE?!

Elyse: Well I just mean, I’ve traveled, I’ve lived on my own, I’ve been in love, now I’m ready to settle down and get married.

Ben (with judgement): You ARE?!

Jesus Ben, give the girl a break. She’s just trying to tell you things she thinks you want to hear. It wasn’t long after that, Ben gave her the old heave-ho, explaining ever so delicately, “Ummm…unfortunately I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find. I think that my relationships with a lot of these other women, is so far past what I think we could probably get to. Unfortunately I cannot give you this rose. It’s really, really, really hard for me to say those things. And I’m sorry.” How do you even cry over a break-up so inarticulate? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’M the crazy one.

The girls learn of Elyse’s dismissal when her suitcase is removed from their suite, and Nicki, again revving up a reaction akin to finding out the president has been shot, shakes her head and says, “Just because you get a one-on-one date does not mean you’re safe.” She must be the reason Chris Harrison has to keep explaining the rules. Courtney, on the other hand, decides to beat Ben back to his hotel room, and make him honest on his promise to go skinny-dipping with her. During this next sequence of events, I realized that despite (or more likely, because of) her looks, Courtney has no game. The way she rambled through offering him a night cap and then sat down on the couch with her robe falling open, “Oh my!” she said; it was like watching Mrs. Doubtfire flirt with a man. Courtney reminds Ben of his promise, and out they scamper to the shore. Courtney tells the camera, “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before.” You don’t? He hasn’t. They were certainly naked and there was definitely skin-on-skin underwater contact. Beyond that, I don’t really know what to make of it. Was it scandalous? Sure. Was it love? No. It was manipulative. Courtney is clearly playing a game, and enjoying the fact that she has the power and prowess to captivate a man she wouldn’t give a second look should she see him walking down the street. It’s sad, almost, to see Ben led around his own competition on a leash, but then I remind myself that Ben is an adult, and his decision to value the novelty of dating a model over the obvious truth that he and Courtney have no substantial future, is going to leave him as single as he was when he started.

Before the rose ceremony, Courtney discussed in her interview what kind of affect her outing with Ben would have on the ladies, should they find out. “It might be game over…or game on.” Followed by a look that indicated to me she didn’t exactly understand the difference between those two statements. Nicki and Kacie B. were both safe from elimination, so it was up to the other 8 girls to convince Ben that they deserved to stay. Jennifer snagged a moment alone with him, which the two spent making out. This would have felt fun and flirtatious if Ben didn’t leave me with the impression that he only likes Jennifer when her tongue is halfway down his throat. Gross. Emily takes Ben outside on the beach where they sit down on the sand (fully clothed—way to play it safe, Emily) and she tells him that she has spent the past week only thinking of him, not Courtney. And just when she had successfully removed her foot from her mouth, she shoved it right back in, warning Ben to avoid Courtney at all costs and reminding him that the other women are seeing a side of her that he does not. Ben responds with a level of aggression that frankly does not suit him, warning Emily, “I would drop it for now. And tread lightly. Be careful.” Yikes. That’s going to be a chilly walk back to the house.

By the time we arrived at the rose ceremony, we knew we were getting set-up for another round of “Will Emily get eliminated because she can’t keep her mouth shut?” She will not. No, Ben instead axes Jennifer, the woman he was shamelessly making out with only hours earlier. In her limo confessional, Jennifer tearfully ponders, “I wonder what I did wrong?” I don’t know. You have a solid career, a good head on your shoulders, and appeared to stay away from all the catty gossip. But that’s just off the top of my head.

Next week we move down to Panama City, Panama for some wet t-shirt contests and keg stands! I’m thinking of the right place, right?

Ten Things I Learned Last Night Watching Television (And Other Opinions)

Sunday nights for me are generally spent on the couch in sweatpants and glasses, yelling at myself for never leaving the apartment—even briefly—for some fresh air. It’s kind of like flying on an airplane when you realize all the fresh oxygen that existed has been inhaled and now you’re all breathing recycled air and the thought of it makes you a little claustrophobic so you take a few gasps near the window where maybe fresh oxygen still exists in tiny pockets. That makes sense, right? Is that how a scientist would explain it? Anyway, yesterday was different as I spent all afternoon out and about, running errands with my mom (I bought a jump rope!), taking the train back to the city, stopping by the grocery store, and then walking home. It was so nice, my skin never even felt like an orange peel disintegrating on a dirty kitchen counter, another side effect of Sundays indoors. When I arrived back at my apartment, waiting outside the front entrance for me was not the Old Town homeless man to whom my roommate occasionally offers her leftover french toast, but my friend Daniel! We had arranged a get together the night before over margaritas and, lucky me, he remembered. The best thing about our friendship (if I do say so myself, Daniel) is that we are the perfect sounding boards for each other’s obscure pop culture references. We were once a team for the game “Celebrity” and in the second round when you can only use one word to get the other person to guess the clue, he said “Hillary” to which I immediately shouted back, “Condoleezza Rice!” It was amazing. [ed. note: This line was updated at 9:15 AM on Tuesday, as I my memory of the event was slightly muddled.]

While selecting our TV viewing schedule for the night, Daniel reminded me the SAG Awards were airing at 7:00, so we decided to supplement that lowbrow selection with a slightly more informative program, like 60 Minutes at 6:00 (that way we wouldn’t feel like such nincompoops for having conversations about Viola Davis’s glittery skin later in the evening). After the ultra-efficient, two-hour SAG broadcast concluded, we cued up the episode of The Good Wife that had aired at 8:00, and once again contemplated careers as in-house investigators for a major law firm. Think of all the black and purple we would get to wear! By that point it was fairly late so Daniel left, but I couldn’t bare the thought of going to bed without watching the Kourtney and Kim Take New York season finale. And I needed to paint my nails. So with those five hours under my belt, here are 10 Things I Learned Last Night Watching Television.

1. No one is more amused by our military operations than Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta. Correspondent Scott Pelley brought us a profile on the Secretary, who was tickled pink by the question, “In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?” Hahahaha! No, seriously, Mr. Secretary. Ballpark figure. Scott Pelley, dressed in his best Brawny man ensemble for portions of the interview, went so far as to put together a montage of Secretary Panetta laughing in a variety of presumably serious settings. It was supposed to put the minds of Americans at ease, that a man with such a stressful job would be able to maintain his sense of humor, but as an at home viewer, it kind of made me feel like the only one in the room who realizes something’s burning in the oven.

2. There is a ranch in Texas that breeds exotic animals from Africa so that they may be hunted for sport. It’s only a matter of time before Texas secedes from this nation. What is going on down there? Correspondent Lara Logan, showing a great deal of journalistic objectivity, asked a hunter on the ranch who was out stalking the endangered scimitar-horned oryx, “HOW DO YOU KILL SOMETHING YOU LOVE?!” She would be a terrible poker player. Actually, the most unsettling part of the segment was that at it’s conclusion, I had sided with the ranchers. While many of these animals are on the endangered species list, in Texas, they’re thriving. Don’t get it twisted…anyone who seeks the thrill of hunting a zebra makes me a little sick to my stomach. But if we are to understand that this ranch restricts hunting to only 10% of each species annually, and they are making a concerted effort to breed animals that are on the path to extinction in their natural African habitats, then their’s is a business model I almost regretfully admit I understand. As Angelina Jolie said in Wanted, ”Our purpose is to maintain stability in an unstable world – kill one, save a thousand.” She’s always my go-to when it comes to animal conservation.

3. The announcer during the red carpet montage at the start of TNT’s broadcast of the 18th Annual SAG Awards, momentarily forgot these celebrities were not her friends. I imagine this woman to be the type who uses a rhinestone hair claw to keep her hair back at the gym and flirts with her friends’ husbands at block parties. As the camera moved from celebrity to celebrity, the announcer spoke to each as if she were mingling at a middle school fundraiser: “Hey there Brad and Angelina!” A shot of Melissa McCarthy waving at the camera: “We’re waving at you Melissa McCarthy!” Kristen Wiig, Busy Phillips, and Michelle Williams standing in a group, not looking at the camera: “Hey there, girlfriends!” I imagine the producers’ were going for some kind of “Look how much fun we’re having and the party’s just getting started!” vibe, but it ended up feeling more like a scene from a Christopher Guest movie, mockumenting a small town film festival.

4. Viola Davis’s win last night for Best Actress was a game changer. Moments before the winner was announced last night, I rolled my eyes and yawned my prediction, “Meryl Streep.” And no sooner did the words leave my mouth, than Sir Ben Kingsley was announcing Viola’s name. For anyone within an ear shot of my apartment, you would have thought a world leader had just been assassinated. We were floored. This scenario we now face leading up to the Oscars reminds us of the neck-in-neck Best Actor race between Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke back in 2008. Only these actresses are lovely and have never been so narcissistic as to date Scarlett Johansson.

5. I always thought that SAG, as a collective Union, offered a really sophisticated point of view when it came to television and film, and then Betty White won the award for Best Actress in a Television Comedy. For the second year in a row. You guys this show is on TV Land! Wendie Malick’s character’s name is Victoria Chase! Betty White has to say things like, “You better buck up and bug down, bitch!” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! We’ve already shown our appreciation for her career in television through lifetime achievement awards. Why are we kidding ourselves by thinking she gave the BEST comedic performance by an actress this year? Is it out of guilt? Are we all too afraid to admit she doesn’t deserve so much as the nomination because she’s 90 years old and it feels like telling grandma we can’t make it to her house for Christmas? I mean, God bless Betty for proving to Hollywood that we are better off looking like her at 90 than Mary Tyler Moore at 75, but really, this win is so far off the mark, it’s insulting.

6. Whoever was in charge of selecting the clips for each award presentation, needs to be fired. Literally, the clip introducing The Good Wife as Best Ensemble Television Drama consisted of Diane Lockhart saying to Will Gardner, “I’ll hold.” Edie Falco’s Best Actress Television Comedy clip for Nurse Jackie was her telling a young patient, “You should be a nurse. They’re smarter than doctors.” And poor Jonah Hill, his clip for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture was from The Sitter! No, I’m kidding. But has anyone else come to terms with the fact that now and forever Jonah Hill will be announced as “Academy Award Nominee?” Me neither.

7. Last night, The Good Wife reminded all of us why it belongs on CBS in a single moment. In one of the best episodes of the season, The Good Wife just could not escape the puritanical cheesiness their host network is best known for, when duped Assistant State’s Attorney Dana Lodge approaches Kalinda in a bustling court house hallway and Kalinda tells her, “Hit me. It’ll make you feel better.” AND SHE DOES. If only it was immediately followed by the CSI: Miami  ”YEEAAAAHHHHH!” (See the 0:22 mark for a reference.)

8. If you ever find yourself in a combative situation with another woman, follow Julianna Margulies’s lead. When Alicia takes the stand during the Grand Jury hearing of her boss/former lover, Will Gardner, Wendy Scott Carr (lead prosecutor for the case) insinuates Alicia’s professional success as a third year associate was due to her sexual relationship with Will. Insulted, Alicia removes herself from the stand before being dismissed and tells Wendy in a calm but firm voice, “You are out of control.” Is there anything more effective a woman can say to retaliate against a woman making offensive and baseless accusations, in order to take back her power? I would say that to someone everyday if I could. It makes me want to audition for a Bravo reality show just thinking about it!

9. Despite losing major points when he kicked over a waste basket filled with his own urine a few episodes back, last night Scott Disick proved himself to be the only sane one in the bunch. To Kim getting hysterical in her make-up chair over the idea of husband Kris Humphries shipping boxes of his belongings to her home, Scott asks, “You know you’re married, right?” Right.

10. If it was the intention of the editors to use Kourtney and Kim Take New York to make Kim Kardashian look sympathetic in the wake of her divorce, they failed. Attempting to spin the downfall of Kris and Kim’s 72 day marriage in Kim’s favor backfired last night on the season finale, as anyone who has ever been in a relationship, considered being in a relationship, or watched a relationship unfold on a 90s sitcom, can tell you that the reason this marriage failed is because there was no sustainable relationship to begin with. As much as they would like to argue that anyone would want to get a divorce if they realized that the person they married is an immature goon, they can’t explain away a 31 year old, formerly married adult, getting married because she felt ready to check that off her to-do list. “I feel awful that I feel this way! I feel awful that I fell in love with a guy and it’s not what I thought it would be!” All of this nonsense from Kim about wanting a fairy tale ending and being a hopeless romantic, reads like a page out of a PR Crisis Management Handbook. I appreciate the 10 episode-arc Ryan Seacrest and Kris Jenner formulated as a point of reference for how miserable Kim’s life had become with that wretch Kris Humphries and how much it pained her to concede the fact that the only way to regain her happiness was to get a divorce, but Kim is an adult. And no matter how in love Kim is with love, she should have known better than to marry a man she hardly knew she liked.

I hate to say it but anticipate a delay with The Bachelor post this week! The boss’s boss is in from LA!