Bachelor Recap: Maybe I’m Realizing It’s Really Real Now

I’ve been on a losing streak lately, in terms of getting these Bachelor recaps to you in a reasonable amount of time. Of course, my intention is always to have them posted by end of day Tuesday, when memories of Ben’s tank tops and vacation hair are still fresh in your mind. But for the third week in a row, I’ve had after-work commitments almost every night that have deterred me from reaching this goal. Not to say that my ranks as a Chicago socialite are on the rise; this past Wednesday, for example, my sister and I had scheduled an evening blog meeting, which turned into a two hour lecture on how I need to start operating my Pinterest account with more discretion. I’m sure you can understand why, after that lengthy discussion, I just wanted to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup and go to bed. But this is why I take thorough notes on Monday nights, so that when I finally do sit down to write these recaps, I can transport myself back to exactly how frustrated and flabbergasted I felt during the show. And so we begin!

This week, Ben traveled to Belize to meet up with the six women still contending for his heart. This episode, that brings six contestants down to four in preparation for the at-home dates, is now officially my least favorite episode of The Bachelor season, as it calls attention to the most inherent flaw of this program: this is not a show about finding true love, it’s about winning a competition. And the more these women receive confirmation that they are more desirable than the women around them getting sent home, the more motivated they are to keep pushing until they are crowned the winner, and take home the top prize. In this episode, you can see each woman scrambling to come up with the right thing to do or say in order to guarantee herself a rose. For most, who have already employed tactics like laughing at his jokes and pressing their chest against his when giving him a hug, this means raising the stakes, and announcing to Ben that they are falling in love with him. The fact that Ben (and all other Bachelors that have come before him, mind you) takes this proclamation at face value, not questioning for a moment the sincerity or probability of such a strong emotion forming in such a short period of time, only encourages the women to believe what they are saying is true. And then suddenly, one of them is engaged to a man that has never dated her monogamously, he rolls his eyes when she asks him to text her when he’ll be home, and suddenly their break-up is splashed across the covers of tabloid magazines.

But I’ll try and put my cynicism and smugness on the back burner for now. Ben is in Belize, where the culture is slower, and allows more time to reflect on his experience so far, and prepare for the journey ahead. Really? You haven’t found anytime in the past few weeks for reflection? The beaches of Puerto Rico were too fast-paced for you? Ben is also wearing a tank top while he is telling me this, so I am feeling particularly irked. The only time a man should be wearing just a tank top, is the ten seconds it takes to place a regular shirt over his undershirt. That’s my opinion, but I think we’d all be in a better place if it was shared universally. [Ed. Note: I feel strongly that a man's shirt should always be thick enough that there is no need to wear an undershirt beneath it, and therefore the only time a man should be wearing a tank top is if it is a beater and he is a sexy fireman. ~Maggie] Chris Harrison announces that while in Belize, there will be three intimate one-on-one dates and one group date. This added description of “intimate” turned out to be a bit superfluous, as the most intimate thing that happened on any of these dates was the likely wedgie Lindzi received when she jumped out of a helicopter into the ocean.  Before we get to the first date card (which arrived 2 minutes into the episode), Kacie B. confessed to the camera that she is as in love with Ben as she can get, which, even for this show, feels a bit early to plateau in a relationship.  Despite her eagerness, Kacie B. was not the first recipient of a one-on-one date, that honor, instead, went to Lindzi. No one took the news harder than Nicki, who tearfully told the camera, “Maybe I’m realizing its really real now.” Hopefully you’re realizing a couple of other things about yourself in this moment, Nicki. Lindzi’s date card read, “Two halves make a whole.” This reminded me of last week’s episode of 30 Rock when Liz and Criss go to Ikea and she finds him shopping in the Valentine’s Day section:

“Look salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, they make a heart!”

‘Take them apart…two, red sperms!”

Exactly, Liz Lemon. Exactly. Ben escorts Lindzi onto a fucking helicopter and I double-check my DVR to make sure I didn’t select last week’s episode. He takes her to the most special location in Belize, which to my surprise was not just…Belize. They arrived at the Blue Hole, an area of the ocean that is surrounded by coral reef—a popular locale for scuba divers and reality television show location scouts. The challenge portion of the date required Lindzi and Ben to jump out of the helicopter as it hovered above the Blue Hole. Now, I’m big on safety—I’m the girl who will push and shove my way into securing a seatbelt for myself when crammed in the backseat of a car with five or six other people—so I was alarmed to see neither of them were wearing a life jacket. Lindzi played the damsel in distress role surprisingly well (I had higher hopes for you, Lindzi), which only perpetuated the idea in Ben’s head that he is some sort all-knowing Brawny man. Lindzi summons the courage to jump, telling us, “He’s worth the fall!” Him? They jump, Lindzi draws a comparison to falling out of a helicopter and falling in love with Ben, and phase one of this date is complete. Back on land, all freshened up for an evening of love confessions, Lindzi and Ben walk along a dock until they come across an array of pillows, blankets, and candles. “Oh, is this us?” You really have to ask at this point? Lindzi tells Ben that she is really falling for him, which led to this conversation:

Ben:I feel like if we can continue down this path of every date getting better and better…….its great!

Lindzi: Yeah!

God, why won’t those two just get married already! Ben did not have a rose to offer Lindzi as roses are not allowed on the one-on-one dates this episode, but its safe to say he’ll keep her around for at least another week. They did jump out of a helicopter together, after all.

The next date card arrives in the lady room, and Courtney assures us that if it is not addressed to her, she may not accept a rose at the rose ceremony. I love when people promise me they might not do something. It sends a chill up my spine. Emily is invited on the second one-on-one date with a card that asks, “Do you Belize in love?” Not anymore I don’t. Ben greets Emily with two bicycles: “We’re going to ride some bikes through town. I have some other stuff planned, but we’re going to start with the bikes.” I have a sneaking suspicion that Ben is the kind of guy who explains why a joke is funny immediately after he tells it. Once they hit Town Square, they ditched the bikes and spent the rest of the day trying on rings and inviting themselves into a game of pick-up basketball. Americans are the best. Later, as they strolled the streets of Belize, Emily and Ben stumbled across a man down in the water, preparing fresh lobsters for dinner. His had already been assigned plates, so if they wanted to have lobster for dinner, they would have to dive in and capture two themselves. I was waiting for Ben to say something like, “If Emily is willing to capture a lobster, it shows me she’s willing to capture my heart.” But I think he was too distracted by those slippery little fellas making him look like an ass. After they successfully captured two, Emily and Ben sat down for dinner, where Ben posed “the hardest question of the night.” Is she ready for him to meet her family? Emily, flustered, can’t find the words to answer his question, so she begins by talking about Courtney. Perfect. Emily expresses her regret for the umpteenth time–how sorry she is for talking about Courtney (SO STOP), but how happy she is that she was able to really focus on Ben today. This is great, because it is such a huge step in a relationship to find peace with your boyfriend dating other people. Emily extends a formal invitation to Ben to come home and meet her family and Ben gives her the “maybe I will, maybe I won’t” look of a man who is drunk with power.

Back in the hotel room, the final one-on-one date card arrives and Courtney assures us that if her name is not on that invitation, she will NOT accept a rose at the rose ceremony. For real this time, you guys, seriously. Courtney is in fact the final recipient of a one-on-one date, and shows no signs of embarrassment for acting like a pouty baby up until the moment she got exactly what she wanted.  Kacie B. said it best, “It’s not because I’m jealous of her, it’s because she’s the shittiest person I’ve ever met in my LIFE.” Yes, that didn’t sound jealous or threatened in the least. On her way to meet Ben, Courtney tells us that this date will be really telling for her; where things are with Ben, etc. “I need more and he knows that.” And I need so much less of both of you. Ben and Courtney walk through the jungle until they come across the temple that they will be climbing in order to reach their picnic basket at the top. Once they get settled up there, Courtney immediately starts rambling to Ben about how hurt she was that he selected Emily for a one-on-one date when he knows how awful she has been to her, and if he hadn’t chosen her for the final date, she would have gone home, and gosh, she’s just doesn’t have that spark anymore! “I lost the spark babe!” You can see the panic in Ben’s eyes, “I’m starting to fall for this woman and maybe she’s not feeling the same way! I would be crushed!” When you read that sentence, don’t you hear his voice cracking? Me too. Ben pacifies Courtney’s doubts and fears by telling her how amazed he is that she’s been able to hang on and how hard it is for him to not be able to console her. If Courtney invited Ben into her house made of gingerbread, how long would it take her to convince Ben to climb into the oven? During dinner, Courtney continues to focus on the other girls and what wretches they are to live with. “From day one I’ve tried to be nice to everyone and get to know them…They’re so vanilla and they’re very into themselves…It’s exhausting when you don’t enjoy someone’s company and you have to spend every day with them.” That sounds like the attitude of the warm, generous person you’re looking for, Ben! Ben, oblivious to all the puppet strings Courtney has tied to him, decides he needs to back off his inquiries before he upsets her even more: “When I bring it up she gets really defensive and I don’t want to keep pushing it because I don’t want her to think that I’m attacking her.” Really? What happened to, “I suggest you try and focus on us. And tread lightly.” Is that not how we treat models? Only PhD students? Noted.

Finally it’s time for Kacie B., Rachel, and Nicki to go out on their group date with Ben. This time there will be a rose at stake, so everyone better be on their best behavior and hope that they’re Kacie B. because we already know, of the three, Ben likes her the most! Ben surprises the women by waking them up at the crack of dawn and telling them to get ready. There is a mad dash to shave armpits and legs, before throwing on a swim suit and meeting him down on the beach. Ben surprises me by wearing a tank top again, and I believe we’re up to three this episode. Seriously, I’d rather see you in a turtleneck. On today’s date, Ben will be escorting the ladies onto a boat where they will eventually swim with the sharks. I’m so tired of these outdoor challenges being used as some scale to determine how dedicated each woman is to Ben. If a man was like “Climb this mountain to prove that you can overcome any obstacle with me,” I’d be like, “I’ll do it for any other reason.” Rachel has a convenient fear of sharks and is able to steal most of Ben’s attention for this reason. Nicki and Kacie B. felt a bit of frustration over this development, which seemed silly to me, as Rachel is the most obvious contestant to go home this episode. After the shark adventure, the foursome came back to the hotel patio and Ben carved out some one-on-one time for each lady so that they could effectively confess they’re falling in love with him. Nicki seems most excited by this, telling us, “Not long after we got here I said the words “falling in love” without spazzing out…I’m falling in love with Ben and I told him that!” No, that was pretty spazzy Nicki. Kacie B. receives the rose (duh) and we move onto another “beware of Courtney” conversation, this time lead by Nicki. Ben looks legitimately concerned, but not concerned enough to actually do anything about it.

At the rose ceremony, most of the women have adopted a more somber tone, knowing that nearly half of them would be going home that night. Save Courtney, who insisted everyone relax and have a drink, “Ben is not the only guy in the world!” Not exactly traditional Bachelor talk, but Courtney is clearly not a rules girl. Chris Harrison arrives and tells the women there will not be a cocktail party this evening, Ben feels confident he has made his decision. As the women line up, Ben arrives and asks to speak to Courtney privately. As much as the producers wanted us to believe that Ben was strongly considering what the other women had said about Courtney, and he was genuinely checking in with her to see if she was in this competition for the right reasons, Ben was clearly just doing his due diligence here. She could have said, “I mean, I don’t know if you’re my type, but maybe that’s because Emily is so annoying!”, and he would have thought, “See! Everything is fine.” Courtney receives a rose, along with Nicki and Lindzi, and Rachel and Emily are sent packing. Rachel cries to the camera, “I feel very rejected. It’s another disappointment. I’m really tired of disappointment.” Well if that’s the case, I would like to retroactively advise you not to go on a show where you are competing against 25 women for one man. Emily holds it together pretty well, and I admire her for it. In fact, I imagine as Emily watches this season unfold at home, she is relieved that goon never made it to her parents’ house.

Next week we travel around the country to visit the four remaining contestants in their home towns! How soon into his visit will Lindzi get Ben up on a horse? What will Courtney say about Ben to her parents? How many times will Nicki cry when her divorce is brought up at the dinner table? Thanks to this late recap, we’re only two days from finding out!